Staying Centered in Tumultuous Times

A Bleak Year Blends Into the Next...

My husband and I sat in my mother-in-law's house on December 31st, 2020. We watched the countdown on local news with little fanfare- no champagne, no party hats, no noise makers, and barely a mumble of "Happy New Year" as we unceremoniously turned off the TV and went to bed. 

                                                        

We had driven from Southern California to Austin, taking every precaution to wear masks and sanitize our hands after gas stops and food breaks. We split the 20 hour drive into 2 days, renting an "extra deep clean" Air BnB to rest at a half way point. 

For days we had weighed the pros and cons of coming out to help my husband's family settle the affairs of his father, who had passed away after complications from a cancer removal surgery on December 23rd. It had been a sad Christmas for us all. 

As overwhelming as 2020 had been, our 2021 was not off to the most hopeful start either. There was so much stress with the travel (I can tell you now, I am not excited for the 20 hour drive back in a few days), being concerned about any possible transmissions to or from my mother-in-law or sister-in-law, and dealing with the confusion and heartache that one experiences when dealing with hospitals, death certificates, and estate handling. 

I sit here on Sunday, only 3 days in to 2021, as the 117th Congress convenes, audio tapes are released of Trump trying to strong arm his way into a second term, and Senators are weaving seditious and treasonous plans. 

Although this does not at all resemble the United States of America I was taught to respect and revere as a beacon of democracy throughout the world, I am doing my best to stay grateful for what I have. 

As a reluctant news junkie, I read devastating stories of atrocities all over the world. Only recently have I felt that America is slipping so far from what it once was that I fear for our ability to claw our way back to an equilibrium, to common decency, and respect for facts and science.  

Reluctant Embraces

Aside from our wedding on 10/10/2020, where I was able to hug my sister and best friend as they acted as witness and oficiant respectively, I have not had physical contact with family or friends other than my husband and stepchildren since March 13, 2020- the ultimate Friday the 13th.  

Despite the morbid circumstances that brought us here, I was so eager to see my newly official family-in-law. We wore masks as we unloaded our car- which included our 100-pound pitbull mastiff, Atlas- into Nana's house. As it was when my sister arrived on my wedding day, there were moments of awkward hesitation as we discussed how we would be handling mask wearing and contact during the trip. 😷😷

We had been very diligent about isolation from the very beginning, as my immune system is compromised due to lupus. Nana had been very diligent about isolation due to her age. We decided that as we would be sleeping in the same house for a week and eating together, masks inside seemed a little pointless. 

We had more hesitation with my sister-in-law. She had been less assiduous, but as she is a teacher, we were grateful she would not be teaching in-person while we were there, and she had recently had a negative Covid test. 

As we walked into their father's home on New Year's Day, we again did an awkward hug shuffle. Of course I wanted to embrace her in sympathy for her situation, as well as the fact that this was the first time we were seeing each other as relatives. "Oh good, I didn't know if we were hugging," she said as we came together briefly before assessing what needed to be done to go through their father's belongings and sorting paperwork. 

Though usually outwardly stoic, I could have cried at the impact their hugs had on me. It made me feel for my 95 year old grandmother in a long term care facility near San Luis Obispo, CA. She forgets why my dad and aunt can't pick her up for their usual lunches anymore. My heart breaks for those who have been quarantined alone, without any human contact at all. 

The thoughts of family members sharing tearful hugs through plastic sheets demonstrates both the unimaginable chaos and pain we are living though, as well as the ingenuity, hope, and resilience humans are capable of. 

As Usual, It Boils Down to Gratitude

Every day I am grateful for my loving, protective husband and my affectionate dog.  I am forever thankful that I do not want for food, clothing, or shelter. I could focus on the hundreds of things I perceive to have gone wrong this year, but with so much pain and suffering plaguing the world right now, I can not afford to allow myself to be swallowed by despair.  

This year especially, I have been grateful that both my husband and I have been able to work from home, which has given us some piece of mind as far as the risks we take with the virus. I worked at Trader Joe's for 10 years, and I don't know what I could have done if I had still been working there at the start of the pandemic. I likely would have had to quit. I count grocery store workers as absolutely essential- worthy of respect, protection, and certainly hazard pay.  

Aside from a kidney infection from lupus that sent me to the hospital this July, I can say I am grateful for my health. I feel so fortunate not to have lost anyone close due to Covid. 

When it feels like every day there is some new catastrophe or some new horrific form of pandemonium, when it feels like America is burning down and we are facing the apocalypse, I run through everything I am grateful for, usually remembering to be thankful for the simple fact that I woke up this morning.

Brass Tacks

I love to philosophize about life and how to get through it, but sometimes you just need some straight forward information or a list of ideas. With that in mind, here are other ideas that can help you keep your cool during this extraordinary, bizarre period of time we are living through. In the spirit of Life Sampling, try a few and see what works for you:

• Reading a book in a genre you love (admittedly I have been reading more news than books lately)
• Reading self help books (I loved "I Hear You," as we could all use some help with communication these days)
• Plan calls or video chats with friends and family (helps combat feelings of isolation)
• Look into resources for seeing a therapist (this is a ridiculous year, and you can get help to find healthy coping strategies. Mental health is of the utmost importance) 
• Exercising (this is a great idea for everyone- it helps with mood, sleep, weight, and a plethora of other things! A few push ups and jumping jacks can get your heart pumping,  and a nice yoga flow can help with relaxation)
• Trying a new hobby you can do at home
• Knitting or crochet (keeps your hands busy)
• Painting (acrylic pouring is very popular now-check out my Instagram art page!)
• Drawing or sketching (keep a book at hand for when inspiration strikes) 
• Coding (could possibly lead to career opportunities down the road. Kaggle is a free resource that is a great place to start!)
• Sharpen your STEM skills (Khan Academy is an amazing free resource)
• Gardening (Spring will be here before you know it! Plan what you might want to plant)
• Puzzles (keep your brain sharp)
• Learn a language (Duolingo is free, uses gamification techniques to keep you interested, and you can learn multiple language at once, if that tickles your fancy!)
• Creative writing or journaling (start with stream of consciousness if you don't know where to begin)

I hope 2021 brings you health, wealth, hope, love, and happiness. Keep Sampling Life- find your passion.🎉 

Mental Strength and Unlearning

 The Psychology of Desire

There has long been a debate about the degree to which humans are influenced either by nature (DNA) or nurture (the circumstances under which a person was raised). I find this debate fascinating because of how I view my family. For example, my sister is 18 months older than me, so for many practical reasons, I can say we grew up under very similar circumstances, although we share few similarities. 

One of my favorite questions is why. Why do I look like my father but have a lot of the personality traits of my mother? Why does my sister look like my mother but has the personality traits of my father? 

The facts are easy to state: I am tall, pale, dark haired, and blue eyed. I take risks, I like attention, I am not conflict averse. The reasoning behind these facts are both where my fascinations with human behavior lie, and where my frustration at unanswerable questions develop. Like some scientists that have preceded me, I have wondered if certain behavior markers are indicative of DNA expression. 

According to a 2019 study, there are some genetic markers that can make one more or less predisposed to risk tolerance or aversion, which can in turn factor in on ones impluses to act on desires. 

"Food is the Most Abused Anxiety Drug"

One undesirable habit that I picked up from my parents was the self-soothing coping mechanism of eating my feelings. Both of my parents were over eaters and emotional eaters. It is unclear what biological or learned factors are at work, but I picked up the habit of emotional eating, but my sister did not. 

I remember my mother crying and eating a box of cookies in one sitting. I remember excuses of why it was ok to eat a bunch of chocolate on your period, or that it was normal to reach for something sugary when you were upset. No matter the occasion, sugar was the way to celebrate or comfort. While my mother did teach me to savor various aspects of consumption in settings like fine dining, there was a huge disconnect from what my mother tried to teach us versus what she actually taught us. 

While there is much that can be said about my mother's parenting style, an unfortunate aspect that colors much of it is inconsistency. I call my mom a hippy because we grew up in California eating Whole Foods and Trader Joe's, smudging our house with sage, and making sure there was an appropriate amount of crystals around. When it came to food, my mom and sister were vegetarian or pescatarian for a large part of my upbringing.

We were reading food labels before it was cool. One of the items we always had to check was breakfast cereal. We were not allowed to eat a breakfast cereal if sugar was one of the first four ingredients. I don't know how familiar you are with breakfast cereals in the United States, but this criterion pretty much just left us with the option of GrapeNuts or Basic Four. 

I know my mother's heart was in the right place as she tried to teach me and my sister about nutrition, but children are better at seeing actions than intent. I remember one Halloween when I was about 7, I tried to use some of my mother's inconsistent sugar logic to be allowed to eat another Pixie Stick (if you are unfamiliar, this just colored, sour sugar).

My logic was something like this: 1) We have to eat vitamin C chews every morning because Mom says it is for our health, 2) The chews are sweet, sour, and taste like oranges, 3) Orange Pixie Sticks taste like orange vitamin C, 4) Pixie Sticks contain vitamin C, and are therefore good for me. 5) I should be allowed to have unlimited orange Pixie Sticks. 

I was quite mad when I was denied my extra dose of sugar, because I felt like I couldn't get a hold on what the rules were. When I was older, I realized my mother was susceptible to fad diets and "expert" advice that was far from expert (Dr. Oz and Dr. Phil were respected in our house before I learned better). 

Due to the inconsistencies in sugar logic, it took me a long time to actually learn the facts about sugar, including why it is so prevalent in American food and culture, and the biological factors in humans that make sugar so addictive. 

Mental Strength

I consider myself a fairly smart individual. I enjoy learning, research, self-improvement, exercise, fresh foods, psychology, and science. By all measurements, I am smart enough to know what is good for me and what is not. 

I have no shame regarding mental health, and how important it is to daily life. I understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms. I can identify which of my habits are healthy or unhealthy. 

I have found that to know something and to follow through with something are two separate beasts. When trying not to engage in unhealthy eating behaviors, I think about how my dad tried to cope with his unhealthy eating habits by imagining if your conscious would allow you to give a small child whatever you are going to eat. 

"If you were babysitting little 7-year-old Casey, would you let her eat that whole tray of brownies? I hope not! Then why would you let adult Casey eat a whole tray of brownies?" 

The most basic part of my brain wants to respond with some smart ass retort like, "Well 7-year-old Casey doesn't have to deal with the bullshit of being an adult, so adult Casey earned that tray of brownies."

I know damn well there is nothing that should earn me an entire tray of brownies, a whole batch of cookies, or the better part of a cake. I know that letting myself indulge in overeating sugar makes me feel literally sick to my stomach, it makes me feel disappointed in myself, it makes me feel mentally and emotionally weak. I binge so frequently that I gain weight. 

Why in the world, if I know all of these things, do I continue to allow myself to indulge so heavily? According to Healthline, "researches in France agree that the casual link between sugar and illegal drugs doesn’t just make for dramatic headlines. Not only is there truth to it, but also they determined the rewards experienced by the brain after consuming sugar are even 'more rewarding and attractive' than the effects of cocaine." While I am grateful I never had a predisposition towards cocaine, the addictive properties of sugar are nonetheless disturbing and undeniable. 

Besides the fact that this year has been a doozy to put it kindly, and a shit show to put it bluntly, I have gone through a lot of changes. Most of them have been a net positive on my life, but none of it has come easy. I have used the isolation of this year to clarify my goals, act with intention in a way that follows my morals, and clear away what has not been serving me up to this point. 

As I have previously written ad nauseam, I have jettisoned toxic people, I have dedicated myself to learning and self improvement, I have redefined my goals based on numerous life trajectory shifts. In the last few years I have quit smoking, gotten a Bachelor's degree, gotten married, consolidated my 401(k) accounts and learned how to grow them, started investing in the stock market, started a blog, started a book, established my family, managed my lupus, sold a house, and dramatically decreased my drinking. I feel that all of these changes are a testament to my mental strength.

And yet, I have changed so much of my behavior that I tened to use it as a justification to stuff myself full of junk food. According to my logic, I have cut out so much "bad" stuff and implemented so much "good" stuff that I deserve these constant, not-so-little treats. I feel like I am missing out if I don't have dessert after dinner. This is where my mental strength falls short. 

Unlearning

I have tried so many things to get this beast under control. I have tried a dissolvable pill called Sweet Defeat that contains zinc, which can confuse your taste buds and how your brain interprets the flavors so that you do not get the "high" that sugar provides. I have found I can easily talk myself out of taking it after dinner. I have tried not to buy desserts from the store. Too bad I am a good baker with infinite recipes at my finger tips!

While not his fault or his problem, my husband also loves sweet treats after dinner, and he loves my body at any size. This does not give me much incentive not to have sweets around. 

In a year when I feel I have deprived myself of so much in order to keep from contracting a deadly disease, baking and eating sweet treats is not only a fun tradition, but a 34 year old tradition of self soothing. 

While I have the mental strength to follow through and accomplish great things, I have to first unlearn my dependency on a sugar rush to easy my anxiety or sadness. I have to unlearn the connection between sugar and happiness I would see in my parents faces as they binged to feel better. I have to unlearn what being kind to myself looks like- reading a book or going for a walk instead of stuffing my face with lemon cake. I have to unlearn that moments of elation having the sugar melt on my lips is not worth the negative self-talk that follows it. 

After all of the unhealthy ways I have learned to make myself feel better in the short term, I need to learn that I am worth the effort to find satisfying ways to end my evening that don't interrupt my sleep, my hormones, and my weight goals. 

When it comes to breaking my dependence on sugar, I haven't figured out the how quite yet, but at least for now I have a better understanding of the why. 

If you or a loved one suffer from addiction, you can seek assistance with the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration by clicking this link or calling 1-800-662-4357