How Do You Eat An Elephant?

 One Bite at a Time!

Do you know that feeling when it seems like you have a million things to do, but there are only so many hours in the day? You do a little here, a little there, but then you wind up sidetracked either by something that took way longer than expected, or (more likely) you got distracted by something on your phone, and went into a scroll-hole. 

As someone diagnosed with ADHD a long time ago, I can tell you this is part of my every day life. Sometimes I can pour over my computer writing for hours, but most of the time, I sort of flit from one thing to the next, becoming increasingly frustrated with myself that I can't get to everything on my list. 

Today, in my typical Life Sampler fashion, I am trying something new. Today I am doing everything in 30 minute increments. 

This is something I have never tried before, and you may be thinking that 30 minutes isn't enough to become productive at something. Who knows, in the future, I may wind up expanding it to 45 minutes or an hour. 

The point is that I identified a problem, which was my perceived inability to accomplish all my daily goals. I also know I can be my own worst enemy. For example, I HATE doing laundry. I despise it with a passion. I love fresh clothes, I don't really mind the sorting, but for some reason I completely lose it when it comes to getting things from the washer to the dryer, and for whatever reason folding and hanging clothes is the absolute BANE of my existence. There is nothing inherently bad about doing laundry, I just hate it with a passion that burns hotter than hellfire. 

   

The old adage that lends itself to the title of this blog is an analogy for accomplishing big tasks. Eating an elephant is no small task. How do you even start?! One bite at a time. The analogy always grossed me out, because I have a vivid imagination, but the lesson rings true: in order to accomplish goals, it is best to start with the first small step, and go from there. 

"Time is really the only capital that any human being has, and the only thing he can't afford to lose." -- Thomas Edison

WonderMom: How does she do it?!

You know that mom who seems to have endless energy, boundless dedication to her children and their education, an amazing love life, AND hold down a job? I have known a few of them, and I will tell you they are more ragged behind the scenes than they appear, but they still pull it off. If you came to this blog wondering how they do it, I can only say I wish I had the answers for you. This is not that blog. 😅

I don't have bio-children, I haven't seen my stepkids since August 2020 (due to the Pandemic), I don't have to work a full time job, and I feel like I am Still. Always. Freakin. Tired. 

My 30 minute system is a way for me to see where I am dragging my feet, where I need more time, and it is designed to give me a sense of accomplishment. After all, four hours is eight 30 minute segments, and I know I can get a lot done in eight sections. 

Why Bother? 

If I can get so much done in eight 30 minute segments, why not just put my head down and grind out some work for 4 hours? It ties back to my ADHD. I had to find ways to overcome my learning hindrances in order to do well in school and hold a steady job. One phrase that I loved to use when I worked at Trader Joe's was "work smarter, not harder." 

This is a trial method to see if working in half-hour increments makes my day easier. Though I may not be wrangling 3 kids under 5 years old or rushing off to a corporate job, there is still plenty that I do in my day, especially since I am loving the idea of expanding the Life Sampler to YouTube (more to come on that). 

The following are some items I wanted to work into my daily schedule to become routine habit:

AM:

• Write for Life Sampler Blog
• Plan YouTube content
• DuoLingo (Spanish, French, German, Arabic) 
• Empty dishwasher
• Breakfast
• Dance Workout
• Art- acrylic, alcohol ink, or epoxy
• Singing Practice

PM:

• Read
• Walk Atlas (dog)
• Yoga
• Edit videos
• "Show Her Off" dance practice with Hubby
• Chores
• vacuum
• laundry
• clean floors
• bathrooms
• grocery shopping
• dishes in dishwasher
• handwash other dishes
• wipe down kitchen counters
• grind coffee, and set machine for AM

It is super easy to get sucked into the things I enjoy doing (DuoLingo, singing, dancing, writing) and super easy to get distracted away from the things I am not as fond of (laundry, editing videos, dishes) by engaging in things like scrolling social media, reading the news, or just fully giving up and going on a Netflix binge. 

These are just daily goals I want to get in the habit of, but because I have no formal schedule, there are also so many other things that sneak their way in your day. Showering/dressing/getting ready for the day isn't on that list either, so that is more time spent elsewhere. 

If I need to break from the to-do list, I will still set a 30 minute timer, and that will be a rest/goof-off time set. Those are important to work into the schedule too! Sometimes you just need a nudge to get you back to the task at hand.  

My 30 minute breakup of my day will hopefully allow me to get most of those dailies done, and some should take less than the 30 mins, leaving me with extra time here and there. I have broken the rule a little bit this first day to take two 30 minute sections to write and edit blog. 

My alarm is about to go off, and I suppose I will give myself 5 minutes to transfer in between tasks. I guess I will see if I can roll "getting ready" and "breakfast" into the same half hour segment, but if I don't, THAT IS STILL TOTALLY OK!

I am learning, I am trying new things, and I have to remember to be patient with myself. I won't berate myself for not following my rules, but I will try to stick to them to give the experiment a fair shot. 

Everyone is different, and this style will probably drive some people absolutely out of their minds, but there may be a few of you out there with an "AHA!" moment after reading this, who now feel that with a little 30 minute timer, you can work smarter, not harder...

 and eat the whole dang elephant!

Blind Spots

We all have blind spots and gaps in our knowledge. Ideally, you find a friend group and/or a partner who can help you fill those gaps in order to get a more complete and accurate version of the world. 

Life Sampling is about trying something you have never tried before to see if it ignites a passion or curiosity within you. Sampling Life allows you to connect with yourself and what you need, and refines how you want to interact with the world around you. 

Part of the theory of Racial Honesty that I follow sometimes entails holding a mirror up to someone so that they can see their blind spot. You are helping them see. To me, this should not be considered criticism, but rather a caring thing to do for someone out of love. 

You want to see the best versions of them, and you want them to see the best versions of themselves as well. You want them to act like they deserve the best, because you want to see them thrive. 

As someone who is deeply affected by criticisms and simultaneously detests hypocrisy, I try very hard to be self-reflective, so I can spot any previously unnoticed hypocrisies I may have committed. My sister once told me, "When you point a finger at someone, you have three pointing back at you. You tend to recognize things in others that you dislike in yourself." 

Or, as John from The Good Place would say, "If you spot it, ya got it!" 

Admitting you know nothing can be more powerful than trying to convince others you know everything. I admit that I am fallible, I am human, I make mistakes, and I try to own up to them. 

Sometimes, no matter how long or how fiercely you pour over the mirror, there are still some things that get missed, like trying to put sunscreen on your own back. 

Sometimes (many times), the strong, outspoken Alphas need someone to hold a different mirror up to them so they can see their blind spot. 

Apparently, that can be a scary thing. I have been told I am too intimidating to say some things to, no matter how much I beg for people to be honest with me. Radical Honesty is a two way street, and you can't expect to dish out the honesty without being open to taking it as well. 

If someone you know decides to have a Radical Honesty session with you, hopefully they have the tact, empathy, and vocabulary to give the feedback in a positive way, so that it is interpreted as it was meant to be received- with love, and born out of a sense of caring.

Often times, this is why I choose to communicate with people through writing. When I am passionate about something, I can get a little heated, and I don't think as clearly about what I want to say. When I take the time to sit down and write something to someone- especially if it is a form of feedback or Radical Honesty- it allows me the time to compose myself, make sure I am saying what I am trying to say clearly and concisely, and to edit. 

During hard conversations, my brain can start to race, become foggy, or just draw a blank. Writing down what I want to say allows me to take a beat to reflect on what I am wanting to communicate to the other person. It allows me to feel heard without interruption, so that I can get out everything I wanted to say without having to revisit the topic down the road. 

This can be a helpful exercise when dealing with anger or outburst issues. I have written many an email to my husband littered with profanity, accusations, and dramatic declarative sentences. Then- and this is truly the hard part- I DON'T HIT SEND. I take a breath, get a cup of coffee, maybe walk the dog to calm myself and process what I just wrote, along with the emotions attached to them. 

After the walk I will come back and reread what I wrote that I wanted so desperately at the time to yell at my husband. If I feel that the points I made were warranted (sans profanity and insults), I will make a bullet point list on paper, so that I have a reference list when we sit down to discuss the disagreement later. 

This is important for me, because my husband prefers to sweep disagreements under the rug, whereas I need some form of analysis and resolution to try to stop a cycle of the same (negative) behavior from forming. I talk out my letters with my therapist (EVERYONE should have access to, and use the services of a therapist, in my humble opinion). 

Blind spots can be something like how a significant other is treating you, and how that treatment is interpreted by the people who love you. It could be trying to tell a friend you feel that they talk over you too much, when it turns out they felt they had to speak without taking breaths because you typically dominate the conversation. 

People have meaningful conversations all the time about how to get their needs met, but we are hard-wired to think about our needs before other's needs. Sometimes it can completely escape us that what we are asking someone else to do or to stop is something we need to work on ourselves. 

I am here to tell you that not only is that OK, but it is a positive thing. I believe that you should love yourself fully and enthusiastically, wherever you are in your life journey. However, I also believe that everyone should strive to be the best versions of themselves. It is nearly impossible to become the best version of yourself alone in a bubble. 

You need interactions with other humans inside and outside of your cultural sphere to expand your horizons, open your heart to what is "different," and live with humility, love, and gratitude. Again, the whole point of the Life Sampler is to find what gives you purpose in life, along with a feeling of peace, well-being, and real happiness. 

Someone exposing one of your blind spots is not an insult to who you are as a human. Rather, it is simply a mirror to help you on your journey. That is why all cars have mirrors- to avoid preventable missteps on the journey by giving you a fuller view of what surrounds you. 

The Longest Night

Winter Solstice 2020

Mental Strength and Unlearning

 The Psychology of Desire

There has long been a debate about the degree to which humans are influenced either by nature (DNA) or nurture (the circumstances under which a person was raised). I find this debate fascinating because of how I view my family. For example, my sister is 18 months older than me, so for many practical reasons, I can say we grew up under very similar circumstances, although we share few similarities. 

One of my favorite questions is why. Why do I look like my father but have a lot of the personality traits of my mother? Why does my sister look like my mother but has the personality traits of my father? 

The facts are easy to state: I am tall, pale, dark haired, and blue eyed. I take risks, I like attention, I am not conflict averse. The reasoning behind these facts are both where my fascinations with human behavior lie, and where my frustration at unanswerable questions develop. Like some scientists that have preceded me, I have wondered if certain behavior markers are indicative of DNA expression. 

According to a 2019 study, there are some genetic markers that can make one more or less predisposed to risk tolerance or aversion, which can in turn factor in on ones impluses to act on desires. 

"Food is the Most Abused Anxiety Drug"

One undesirable habit that I picked up from my parents was the self-soothing coping mechanism of eating my feelings. Both of my parents were over eaters and emotional eaters. It is unclear what biological or learned factors are at work, but I picked up the habit of emotional eating, but my sister did not. 

I remember my mother crying and eating a box of cookies in one sitting. I remember excuses of why it was ok to eat a bunch of chocolate on your period, or that it was normal to reach for something sugary when you were upset. No matter the occasion, sugar was the way to celebrate or comfort. While my mother did teach me to savor various aspects of consumption in settings like fine dining, there was a huge disconnect from what my mother tried to teach us versus what she actually taught us. 

While there is much that can be said about my mother's parenting style, an unfortunate aspect that colors much of it is inconsistency. I call my mom a hippy because we grew up in California eating Whole Foods and Trader Joe's, smudging our house with sage, and making sure there was an appropriate amount of crystals around. When it came to food, my mom and sister were vegetarian or pescatarian for a large part of my upbringing.

We were reading food labels before it was cool. One of the items we always had to check was breakfast cereal. We were not allowed to eat a breakfast cereal if sugar was one of the first four ingredients. I don't know how familiar you are with breakfast cereals in the United States, but this criterion pretty much just left us with the option of GrapeNuts or Basic Four. 

I know my mother's heart was in the right place as she tried to teach me and my sister about nutrition, but children are better at seeing actions than intent. I remember one Halloween when I was about 7, I tried to use some of my mother's inconsistent sugar logic to be allowed to eat another Pixie Stick (if you are unfamiliar, this just colored, sour sugar).

My logic was something like this: 1) We have to eat vitamin C chews every morning because Mom says it is for our health, 2) The chews are sweet, sour, and taste like oranges, 3) Orange Pixie Sticks taste like orange vitamin C, 4) Pixie Sticks contain vitamin C, and are therefore good for me. 5) I should be allowed to have unlimited orange Pixie Sticks. 

I was quite mad when I was denied my extra dose of sugar, because I felt like I couldn't get a hold on what the rules were. When I was older, I realized my mother was susceptible to fad diets and "expert" advice that was far from expert (Dr. Oz and Dr. Phil were respected in our house before I learned better). 

Due to the inconsistencies in sugar logic, it took me a long time to actually learn the facts about sugar, including why it is so prevalent in American food and culture, and the biological factors in humans that make sugar so addictive. 

Mental Strength

I consider myself a fairly smart individual. I enjoy learning, research, self-improvement, exercise, fresh foods, psychology, and science. By all measurements, I am smart enough to know what is good for me and what is not. 

I have no shame regarding mental health, and how important it is to daily life. I understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms. I can identify which of my habits are healthy or unhealthy. 

I have found that to know something and to follow through with something are two separate beasts. When trying not to engage in unhealthy eating behaviors, I think about how my dad tried to cope with his unhealthy eating habits by imagining if your conscious would allow you to give a small child whatever you are going to eat. 

"If you were babysitting little 7-year-old Casey, would you let her eat that whole tray of brownies? I hope not! Then why would you let adult Casey eat a whole tray of brownies?" 

The most basic part of my brain wants to respond with some smart ass retort like, "Well 7-year-old Casey doesn't have to deal with the bullshit of being an adult, so adult Casey earned that tray of brownies."

I know damn well there is nothing that should earn me an entire tray of brownies, a whole batch of cookies, or the better part of a cake. I know that letting myself indulge in overeating sugar makes me feel literally sick to my stomach, it makes me feel disappointed in myself, it makes me feel mentally and emotionally weak. I binge so frequently that I gain weight. 

Why in the world, if I know all of these things, do I continue to allow myself to indulge so heavily? According to Healthline, "researches in France agree that the casual link between sugar and illegal drugs doesn’t just make for dramatic headlines. Not only is there truth to it, but also they determined the rewards experienced by the brain after consuming sugar are even 'more rewarding and attractive' than the effects of cocaine." While I am grateful I never had a predisposition towards cocaine, the addictive properties of sugar are nonetheless disturbing and undeniable. 

Besides the fact that this year has been a doozy to put it kindly, and a shit show to put it bluntly, I have gone through a lot of changes. Most of them have been a net positive on my life, but none of it has come easy. I have used the isolation of this year to clarify my goals, act with intention in a way that follows my morals, and clear away what has not been serving me up to this point. 

As I have previously written ad nauseam, I have jettisoned toxic people, I have dedicated myself to learning and self improvement, I have redefined my goals based on numerous life trajectory shifts. In the last few years I have quit smoking, gotten a Bachelor's degree, gotten married, consolidated my 401(k) accounts and learned how to grow them, started investing in the stock market, started a blog, started a book, established my family, managed my lupus, sold a house, and dramatically decreased my drinking. I feel that all of these changes are a testament to my mental strength.

And yet, I have changed so much of my behavior that I tened to use it as a justification to stuff myself full of junk food. According to my logic, I have cut out so much "bad" stuff and implemented so much "good" stuff that I deserve these constant, not-so-little treats. I feel like I am missing out if I don't have dessert after dinner. This is where my mental strength falls short. 

Unlearning

I have tried so many things to get this beast under control. I have tried a dissolvable pill called Sweet Defeat that contains zinc, which can confuse your taste buds and how your brain interprets the flavors so that you do not get the "high" that sugar provides. I have found I can easily talk myself out of taking it after dinner. I have tried not to buy desserts from the store. Too bad I am a good baker with infinite recipes at my finger tips!

While not his fault or his problem, my husband also loves sweet treats after dinner, and he loves my body at any size. This does not give me much incentive not to have sweets around. 

In a year when I feel I have deprived myself of so much in order to keep from contracting a deadly disease, baking and eating sweet treats is not only a fun tradition, but a 34 year old tradition of self soothing. 

While I have the mental strength to follow through and accomplish great things, I have to first unlearn my dependency on a sugar rush to easy my anxiety or sadness. I have to unlearn the connection between sugar and happiness I would see in my parents faces as they binged to feel better. I have to unlearn what being kind to myself looks like- reading a book or going for a walk instead of stuffing my face with lemon cake. I have to unlearn that moments of elation having the sugar melt on my lips is not worth the negative self-talk that follows it. 

After all of the unhealthy ways I have learned to make myself feel better in the short term, I need to learn that I am worth the effort to find satisfying ways to end my evening that don't interrupt my sleep, my hormones, and my weight goals. 

When it comes to breaking my dependence on sugar, I haven't figured out the how quite yet, but at least for now I have a better understanding of the why. 

If you or a loved one suffer from addiction, you can seek assistance with the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration by clicking this link or calling 1-800-662-4357

Seeking Connection in the Time of COVID

 A Holiday Season Like No Other

Applying New Healthy Boundaries Can Sting

 The Great Reckoning of 2020 

The Only Constant is Change...

 ...And That is OK!

Life Sampler in Action!

 An Impatiently Unenthused Youth

It is Not Always About You

 Humility and Fallibility

Can a Tiger Change It's Stripes?

 Transformation and Self Improvement 

Motivating Others

Own It!

Putting it Out There:

A Lesson in Bravery

When Life Hands You Lemons...

Oh. My. Goodness

I never imagined when I wrote my last blog entry that it would take nearly a year to write the next one. 

2019, How I Miss Thee...

Sample Gratitude

Life Sampling and Gratitude 

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