Seeking Connection in the Time of COVID

 A Holiday Season Like No Other

Thanksgiving 2020 has come and gone, and I have had so much to be grateful for this year. I went on a once-in-a-lifetime ancestral trip to Ireland with my sister and now-husband in January. We got engaged in February on a sailboat with my stepkids. We sold the house that was haunted by memories of my husband's past in March. We found a rental that suited our short-term needs in April. My husband and I were on the same page about what staying safe in the time of COVID meant, and for us that meant a total lock-down with the exception of grocery shopping, as I am immune-compromised. I am grateful that although we haven't been able to see the kids since August due to disagreements on what being safe meant as far as the children and their mother, we still FaceTime with them once a week. 

I feel so fortunate that 7 months into quarantine together, my fiance still became my husband in October. We get along. We understand each other. We can disagree civilly. We respect each other. I am especially grateful that I have this strong relationship with my husband, because 2020 has been the death knell of nearly 100% of my female friendships. 

Absence Doesn't Always Make the Heart Grow Fonder

As mentioned in my previous blog, 2020 has brought into focus the fact that I surrounded myself with people who seem to be stuck with various demons. Although I desperately want to help, I have realized it can feel like I am trying to pour from my pitcher into a cup with holes in it, but the person begging to have their cup filled keeps poking holes in the cup. I feel frustrated by my inability to help and exhausted by my efforts. 

In my desire to understand my circumstances and how I got to this place where so many of my social connections are unfulfilling at best and maddening at worst, I have used quarantine time to focus on self improvement. This has been a necessary task for me because I detest hypocrisy, and I want to be the kind of person who attracts people who feel that friendship is a two-way street and understand that it is hard to be there for other people when you do not understand your own actions or patterns of behavior. 

My friend Stacia helped me with this task when she gifted me a year subscription to Masterclass. This is a woman who defied all of my patterns of friendship attraction. Stacia has always been level-headed, a hard worker, a fierce and loyal friend, and a shining example of a mother, wife, and career woman. This is a woman who knew that I would get so much out of a program like Masterclass, because I am a lifelong learner. I am self-motivated for improvement. If every woman had a woman like Stacia in their tribe, the world would be a better, happier place. 

And Then There Was One

I am a social, outgoing creature. Isolation of quarantine has been difficult, but I find it very telling that the people who I have literally written off (I have written a fair amount of honest-but-friendship-ending letters) are not people I miss as much as I expected to. There is the initial pain of realizing that someone who once held an important place in your life is now permanently out of it, but there is also an odd sense of relief. 

When I ended a friendship with someone who I found out was "ok" with Nazi hate symbols, I was sad to lose her but relieved that I found that information out now, instead of 5 years from now. When I cut out a toxic person, I was sad because she had been fun when she wasn't complaining about every aspect of her life. When I cut out a person who kept running back to the same terrible, broken relationship, I was sad for her but ultimately I felt like I made the right choice as a friend to her, because I would not feel authentic in pretending to be happy for her. 

I have jettisoned those who do not or cannot care for themselves or improve themselves. In doing so, I feel like I am opening myself up to healthier relationships when it is finally safe to socialize again. I have a better idea of what I am looking for in a friend, besides just proximity. My friendship with Stacia is my template, because there have been ups and downs between us over the last 15 years, but the things that never faded were mutual respect, deep love, honesty, and and understanding that everyone has their own lives to lead, but real friendship can pick up where it left off, even when changes happen. 

What has been so difficult for me is drawing the line of helping to lift someone up and be supportive of them, and when it may be a lost cause. How do you know when someone is continually worth the time and energy you give them? When do you walk away? When do you stop forgiving bad behavior? When is it OK to cut your losses? 

At what point does a ride-or-die friend become an enabler?

In Service to Yourself

I have tried to answer these questions, especially "at what point does support become enabling," because I had to leave my best friend for a while for her to figure some of her issues out, because it was undeniable that I had been enabling her dangerous drinking behavior by covering for her. Luckily, my departure forced her to take care of herself more, and she got better over the two years that followed. 

Most of my life I have felt the moral obligation to help others while ignoring some of my needs. It feels selfish to abandon or cut off people who I know to be good, but are stuck in a cycle. I believe life sends you lessons to learn, and the lesson will continue to present itself until you have learned whatever that life lesson is. It is hard for me to watch so many wonderful women fall into self destructive cycles because they continue to expect a different result from trying the same thing over and over again. You may realize that this is Einstein's definition of insanity. 

How am I different from these women I love if I continually try to help them progress, learn, be the best version of themselves, or encourage their potential, even when I see the progress isn't happening or they do not have the desire to change? How am it not being hypocritical to tell these women who are unhappy in their on-and-off again relationships that although they see the best in their partner, they deserve better because they are not getting their needs met? 

I recently said something to that effect to my best friend about her fiance. They first broke up because of alcohol. They got back together and got engaged before ever living together. Now that they are finally cohabitating, she is finding that the alcohol problem never got better, but she doesn't want to leave him because "he is a good person with so much potential, but he doesn't have the desire to develop that potential." 

What was my answer to such a dilemma? "I know you love him, and I am sure he has potential, but he is not showing you the progress you needed to see from him in order for him to be the partner you deserve." 

When my bestie made poor decisions under the influence of alcohol that affected me not long after this conversation, I couldn't help but hear my own words echoed back to me. "I know you lover her, and you know she has a lot of potential, but she is not showing you the progress you needed to see from her to be the best friend you deserve."  

Could I really expect her to leave him to find someone who deserved her, when I couldn't do the same with the women I surrounded myself with? 

Now What?

Here I sit in my semi-isolation having culled my friendships down to a precious few. I am open to trying again with my bestie, but we haven't spoken since my wedding last month. I think I need to be ok with leaving it up to her to reach out again. In this in-between time, it is hard not to feel like I have dug myself into a hole without friends to help me out. I am grateful for Stacia and my friend Nicole, but they both live in Nevada currently. 

I try to sample friendships by reaching out to people on Bumble BFF, but it is hard to start a friendship when it is unknown when you would even be able to meet in person. I am encouraging my husband to find people at work that he likes enough to test the friendship waters. I am not-so-patiently waiting for a time when I can go out in the world, be my best self, and find a tribe of people who want to lift their friends up, but also hold them accountable. 

Until then, I take solace in the fact that I have a supportive family and an amazing husband. For now, that is good enough.