Applying New Healthy Boundaries Can Sting

 The Great Reckoning of 2020 

I stand by my assessment that 2020 has been a time of cleansing (literally, in this case, as people washed their hands with more frequency and even resorted to sanitizing mail in the early months of the pandemic). It has been a time of upheaval and reflection. 

While I try to frame challenges in a positive light, I have to say that I unfortunately uncovered some disturbing patterns in the people with which I chose to surround myself. I will preface this with the acknowledgment that everyone is on their own journey in life, and everyone's journey unfolds at a different pace. This is entirely normal, expected, and a fact of life. No one on earth has the same set of experiences as anyone else. 

A large part of my life journey has been playing the role of the "care-giver," a role I was unintentionally groomed for since childhood. While it has come in handy to be the "responsible one," or "the mom" in the squad, it lead to a lot of frustration, as this role demanded I look after everyone in the group. Add to this my love of giving advice, and now I am the community therapist as well. A term that stuck for this role or set of recurrent actions is "Captain Save-a-Ho." While I acknowledge the distasteful gendered term, it felt like a very accurate description for the role I had developed for myself and for the people I kept in my circle- after all, someone had to keep all these drunk hos safe!

The Savior Complex

Since childhood, I have held service to others in high regard. In school, I was always offering to help teachers with extra projects, to help other students when they struggled, or to help friends through emotional struggles. I used to have dreams where I was saving a group of people from some Doomsday scenario, often holding a baby or some other innocent. 

According to Healthline, "A savior complex, or white knight syndrome, describes this need to 'save' people by fixing their problems. If you have a savior complex, you might: only feel good about yourself when helping someone. believe helping others is your purpose. expend so much energy trying to fix others that you end up burning out." This description fits the last 30-some-odd-years of my life to a T, especially the last line. 

According to my sister, I have incredibly high expectations for my friends, and I tend to get frustrated when they do not live up to my standards or who continually falter in the same repeating challenge. I want what is best for the people around me. I wouldn't say I only see the best in people, like my best friend tends to, but it is close. I would say I see the potential in people I become close to, though my patterns would say the potential is hidden behind or stunted by a proclivity for alcoholism. 

I have spent a lot of time and energy encouraging those in my inner circle, but 2020 has shown me that perhaps I should have had a higher bar for entry into my circle. For a long time I was so desperate to be liked and part of a group that the only friendship bar to be hurdled was basically just to show up. 

Even though one of my biggest pet peeves is tardiness, I seem to have surrounded myself with people who can't be bothered to show up anywhere on time, even if they know it will drive their friend insane. I put up with it for years, and upon reflection it is embarrassing that the only person I chose to be in my circle who shares the same value of time is my new husband. 

In a particularly honest recent conversation with my therapist, she noted that "it seems like you surround yourself with people who constantly let you down." Oof, for some reason that one really stung. Upon reflection, I feel like it is embarrassing that I fell into this pattern because I consider myself one of those "strong, independent woman" types, but no self-respecting woman would surround herself with people who only disappoint her. No self-respecting woman would marry a sociopathic narcissist at 25 and allow him to emotionally manipulate and belittle her for 4 years. 

It has taken the worst crisis of my lifetime- worse than 9/11, the Great Recession, my divorce, or my lupus diagnosis- to realize that by allowing my friends to be disrespectful of my time, or by putting so much energy into trying to help and better people who were unwilling or unable to help themselves or even be in a reciprocal friendship, that I was ultimately disrespecting myself. 

These people I surrounded myself with were mirrors of my unhappiness, and 2020 forced me to divert the energy I was infusing into others back to myself. I have read more self-help books than I can count, and the nugget of wisdom I have extracted from most of them is along the lines of, "you can't fix other people or external situations, you can only change how you react to them." 

A Healthy Reaction Can Be No Reaction... 

My natural inclination is to speak truthfully, but harshly. I have tried to temper my initial reactions with empathy and compassion, and I am so grateful that my husband's stoic outlook on conflict has rubbed off on me, in that when he gets heated about something, the first thing he tries to do is disengage emotionally to be able to look at the problem logically. 

This way of thinking has helped me tamp down emotional outbursts, and be able to let my emotions calm down before saying something I might regret. In the past, I have used the tool of writing a letter to someone about your feelings, and then not sending them. It can create the feeling of having gotten something off your chest while keeping yourself from accidentally possibly destroying a relationship. Sometimes I will write these letters, wait a few days to see how time has affected my emotions on the subject, and rewrite them to give to or read to the intended recipient. This has helped me in romantic relationships because I am more careful when choosing my words when they are written, I can fully communicate without being interrupted or side-tracked, and I can take the time to work out how I am feeling and why. 

...But Sometimes You Gotta Do What You Gotta Do

This year I have acknowledged my own faults and shortcomings, and how those ingrained issues have affected my life and who I choose to surround myself with. So far, I have had one text-break up with one of my best friends in this little town I moved to 5 years ago; one break-up-by-ghosting, where I unfriended what was once a very close friend on social media, and she never called or texted to ask what was going on (so that was a good indication that I had made the right choice); one email distancing me from my best friend in the world over some of her actions and decision-making that affected me personally; one email distancing me from one of my best friends from my previous job because she returned to an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship for the sixth(?) time, and I couldn't support her actions, but offered to be there for her when she exited the relationship again (I was promptly blocked on social media, which I was expecting); and most recently and as-of-now-unsent: a letter distancing myself from my stepmom (about whom I previously wrote a grateful blog) due to our political differences. 

Writing this list brings pangs of sadness and loneliness, as 2020 has forced my hand at honesty, integrity, and follow through. It is easy to talk the talk, but walking the walk can be acutely painful. I did not write these letters or distance myself from these people to be hurtful, to feel superior, or to advance myself socially. I did this for self preservation. I am also painfully aware that I have been the person that gets left behind in other's life journeys, because I was not who or where I needed to be in my journey to run parallel to them. In my past I have been abrasive, and sometimes downright mean, and I do not fault those who did not want that energy in their life. 

I have realized that despite my lifelong training to the contrary, not everyone is worth continual time, energy or effort. Sometimes people are toxic for you, but the best fit for someone else. My ex-husband's mother used to say, "people come into your life for Reasons, Seasons, or Lifetimes.  When the lesson for the reason has been learned or the season has passed, it is ok and right to let those people go." 

I tried to keep  many people who were not around for the Lifetime haul, because my Hero Complex kept me from giving up on people who were unwilling to be there for me in the capacity I needed them. I try to be understanding of the difficulties others are facing in life, but I am learning that I do not need to intervene. I can use my new-found stoicism to acknowledge and respect all of the parts of a person, and decide whether I want that person in my life without feeling guilty for not having given that person a million chances to be their best self. 

In the end, that is my goal: to be the best version of myself, every day. I cannot fault those who do not agree that that is a worthwhile goal. I can only keep my values and integrity, and keep those with the same goals in my personal orbit. 

Letting go of old habits or toxic people can sting, but I know in my heart that the sting will be eased by the new friendships I make that reflect my values, and who feel satisfaction in lifting others up instead of the schadenfreude of watching others fail. Applying new healthy boundaries can sting, but it is worthwhile and necessary for self-preservation and success.