It is Not Always About You

 Humility and Fallibility

I try to live my life by the simple creed that Tim McGraw sang: Always stay humble and kind. 

Everyone is Different

There is a very fine line to walk when doling out advice. It is important to remember (and I have to remind myself constantly) that advice is only the opinion of the speaker. 

Advice is not absolute truth, even if the advice given is based on previous experiences. Each experience is unique to each individual. I feel it is important for me to note early on in this blog that I know I am fallible. I have made mistakes over and over and over again. That is probably why I like to give advice- I want the people around me to avoid some of the mistakes I have made that have caused so much pain. 

I try to stay humble enough to remember that I am not always right, and I definitely do not think I am above other people, although I have received feedback that I can come off that way. I try to adhere to my morals while maintaining an open mind and learning from others. I do not have all the answers.  In the words of Ernest Hemingway, “There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.”

When You Can't See the Forrest for the Trees

In my quest to help others, I have at times lost sight of the bigger picture. Sometimes I will take on other's problems as my own. Sometimes I will try to help someone onto (what I see as) a better or healthier path, and I can get so bogged down or so focused on one aspect, that I forget to look at the situation or the person holistically. 

Sometimes my eagerness for someone else to succeed comes off as harsh, overwhelming, and even overly intrusive. This is why it is so important for me to express that I know I am only human. Well-intended does not mean well-executed. 

This is also when I have to remind myself that it is not always about me, about my intentions, about my feelings, or about my truths. Sometimes, in the quest to help others or yourself, it is possible to get lost in self-reflection and self-criticism. It is ok to know that you need to take a step back, remember why you started, and appreciate where you are in the moment. 

When All is Said and Done, You Are Who You Are

Because I believe personal growth is possible and important at any age, I understand the concept of the Self to be fluid and ever-changing. However, there is something to be said for the essence of one's Self. There are parts of your body, your mind, and your spirit that make up the components of the Self, as well as self identity. I do believe you should love your Self at every part of your journey, but I also firmly believe that it is a journey. Life and happiness are not destinations. Everything is a process, and the only thing constant is change. 

The ability to know who you are to your very core and balance it with constantly evolving information and relationships is a skill I have yet to master. Maybe I never will fully understand or find that perfect homeostasis, but I will keep trying. 

The Humble Beginnings of the Life Sampler

The Life Sampler manifested from my feelings of being trapped in a survival cycle, and I was desperate to grab a hold of something that would bring me joy when I was suffering. Even back in high school I had issues with self identity, exemplified in poetry written in creative writing classes that usually contained some form of the rhetorical question, "who am I really?".

My issues with my ability to self-identify stemmed from an upbringing where I felt consistently out of control about the decisions being made about my life. These feelings were exacerbated by critical feedback loops that felt like whatever was "me" was... not wrong, but off. I was too loud. Too honest. Too intimidating. Too outspoken. Too aggressive. The message I received was that I needed to be sanded down and polished in order to be well-received by the world.

To achieve that, I acquired a sense of numbness that I am sure many can relate to. The cost of acquiring this survival skill was my identity, my ability to think critically, my ability to make decisions confidently, and the ability to enjoy life to the fullest. 

 

Though positive in nature, the Life Sampler was born from an illogical mix of the numbness, pain, and anger that had been growing in me for years. I wanted to break that cycle, and figure out how to make my time on this earth joyous and fulfilling. I didn't know where to start, so I started to Sample. 

Beliefs and Acceptance

I am an "elder millennial" (shout out to comedian Iliza Shlesinger, she is hilarious), which puts me in my early 30's. I am still quite viscerally affected when someone tells me I am "too much" of something. I cried last year when a friend casually mentioned that I was too aggressive. Today a friend informed me I was too political.  

Part of growth is willing to admit you were wrong. I have been wrong a lot in my life, but I have only recently learned that it is not a weakness to admit when I have said or done something wrong. It is necessary to have the mind open enough to adjust to and incorporate new facts and information. I have tried to take these comments from the people around me and see them as well-intentioned observations or advice instead of criticism. That is my adjustment to being told numerous times throughout my life that I "take things too personally."

When it all gets boiled down, you need to do what is right for you. Others may disagree with you or your choices. Some (like me) will butt in with unsolicited advice. Personally, I had to write down all of the aspects of my morality and what was important to me in order to be able to build a life that adhered to my ethical code. 

It is a feat and a skill to be able to confidently define and explain what is important to you and why. Identify your beliefs, and accept the fact that they may not fit the beliefs and values of others. I was lucky enough to have parents that often encouraged "being yourself" by speaking and acting on your convictions (although at times that message was contrary to being "too much"). I am grateful that, for the most part, it was not my parents who tried to dim my shine. 

Sample everything you can to find those little moments of joy. Tune into those moments when you feel most at peace with yourself and your surroundings, and try to cultivate more of that feeling. In my experience, that is what can kick-start your journey towards what is rewarding and fulfilling, instead of just heading away from what brings you down. 

“Stay hungry, stay young, stay foolish, stay curious, and above all, stay humble because just when you think you got all the answers, is the moment when some bitter twist of fate in the universe will remind you that you very much don't.”

― Tom Hiddleston