I Embraced My Authentic Self- And Got A Lot of Feedback

For Better or Worse, I Am Who I Am

In the television series "Lie To Me," the character Eli is known to say things to other characters that many would follow with, "whoops, did I actually say that out loud?" Eli, one character explains, is a proponent of "Radical Honesty," which is to say he says exactly what he means, regardless of the consequences. 

I follow two schools of thought when it comes to honesty, and many times they are at odds with each other. 

This first is Socrates' Triple Filters of Speech. This frame of thought implores the speaker to consider three aspects of what they have to say to someone before it is spoken: Is what you are about to say 1) true (factual, honest) 2) is it kind (will it ultimately do good) and 3) is it necessary (is it useful). 

While I try hard to run my speech or bits of information through the Three Filters, sometimes I tie myself in knots and wring my hands about the second filter. The second school of thought of Radical Honesty is not concerned with whether or not a truth is kind or if it does good. The truth is the truth, and it should be spoken, regardless of how a person may interpret that truth emotionally. 

I have the reputation among my friends and family of being that person who will always tell the truth, even if it is hard to hear. While I rejoice that my circle finds me trustworthy, it is a heavy burden to carry knowing that it is expected that you will probably eventually say hurtful things. 

From Brash to Banal, and Back

I try to hang on to my judgements and opinions as much as I can, but I am a talker and a sharer, and it can be very hard for me to stay quiet. When I do open up, I tend to speak bluntly- at work I was often checked for not sugar-coating my communications with my coworkers or supervisors. 

I would like to clarify that I never tried to be rude or hostile, but I am 6 feet tall, and I have been told that between my stature and my manner of speech, I can come across as intimidating. I have been getting this feedback since middle school, and I have tried to adjust and adapt. I have tried to sand down my edges, smile more, speak less, and many other forms of trying to make myself smaller in every sense of the word. 

I have tried to temper my reactions, which used to be quite volatile. I have tried, at the suggestion of people who wanted to see me succeed, to be more assertive and less aggressive. 

I value and prioritize self improvement, but many of these adjustments to my personality didn't take. I felt fake, and I knew I somehow wanted to be the same person to others that I was in my head. I didn't want to be Jekyll and Hyde, I just wanted to be myself.  

I tried to find a middle path where I could be honest and authentic while not driving people away. Like the late great Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg said, "Fight for the things that you care about, but do it in a way that will lead others to join you." I felt like I had good messages, but I was delivering them in a way that was unpalatable to most people. 

I found that a way to temper my harsh image was with unrelenting kindness. "I want to be nice," I once told my sister. "That is the most boring personality trait, and it barely means anything" she countered. "True," I conceded, "well more than nice, I just want to be perceived as kind." 

I started offering help more. I started being more free with compliments (though I never gave false compliments). I started being kinder to myself, which was a huge step I hadn't known I needed to take. 

My kindness had the desired effect of tempering the impact of my radical honesty. I still got feedback like, "You aren't wrong, but you are a little harsh." I had to be more aware of what my friends and family needed.

 My habit is to jump into giving opinions and solving problems, and I knew I had to start asking if someone wanted advice or simply wanted to be heard. I felt like I was becoming a better friend and a better person, but it was so hard to let go of the need to be heard myself. I spent so long seeking attention, that it was hard for me to focus 100% on what the other person was saying. I didn't want to be one of those people who only listen to just enough of what you are saying to be able to start forming what they want to say next. 

Honesty as an Attribute? It Depends Who You Ask 

In 2020, even before COVID lockdowns in the US, my friend circle was dwindling. I wasn't getting what I needed out of the friendships I had made, which was mainly reciprocity. My bar wasn't terribly high. By May 2020 I had distanced myself from most of the people I had met in this town when I moved here in 2016. 

When I got married in October 2020, there were only a few people I had asked to send in a virtual toast, as we were having a four-person ceremony in the backyard of our rental home. One of the favorites I received was from my friend, Nicole. I had met Nicole while she was a bartender at one of the bars in town. I liked her, but we ran in different circles for the most part. Interestingly, we didn't really become close friends until she left California to move back to Montana, and then came back a while after. Round 2 of her California experience, I tried to get to know her better. When she moved away again, we kept in touch over social media and email. 

I am not a "happy crier," but Nicole's recorded toast made me misty-eyed. "You and your words of encouragement and love are unmatched in this world. You listen, you understand, and yes, you may think the advice you give is sometimes overbearing. It's not. It is something we all need to hear, and it is a breath of fresh air to know I always have a friend I can go to."  

I am not sure I had ever gotten such loving, concise feedback about what I had felt like had been a character flaw. 

My parents have also been vocal about their support of my Radical Honesty recently. My dad is 6'4, and although he is a total teddy bear, he can look quite intimidating (I inherited my fathers looks and my mother's personality, and my sister is the opposite). Over the last few years I have caught him off guard with some honest remarks, but he always makes sure to point out that I am one of the few people willing to be so blunt with him. "If YOU don't tell me, who else is going to? I really appreciate it!" 

For a long time I was nervous to be Radically Honest with my parents, as they tended to take things personally and seriously. It is wonderful to be in a place were I can be my full self with them. 

Ramifications and Repercussions

One interesting but seemingly obvious consequence of my kind but Radical Honesty is how quickly people change their minds on the merits of such honesty based on where it is directed. 

"It had to be said..." "They needed to hear it..." "No one else would have told them..." "That is so impressive that you can just say that to someone..." "I wish I could be that bold/honest/confrontational..." 

When I have told friends about situations I had been dealing with where I had implemented Radical Honesty, I got a lot of positive feedback like that. There was some sense of awe, as if to say, "I could never, but it is so good that you can." 

Three close friendships have ended in 2020 from women who used to applaud my honesty...until it was time for me to be honest with them. 

The first friendship dissolved because she did something that caused me to lose my respect for her, and I told her as much. She felt like I was being dramatic. The End. 

The second friendship ended because I had tried to help and encourage her to improve her situation that she constantly complained about, and I finally realized she was unwilling or unable to make the necessary changes. I unfriended her on social media, and she never asked why. The End. 

The latest friendship casualty came from someone who had always told me how important it was that I stay radically honest, and how she admired me for it. When she reunited with her toxic ex for the 5th or 6th time, I wrote her a letter expressing how I could not be supportive of her during this time, because this was an unhealthy relationship, and she knew it, but she couldn't stop. In the letter, I told her I was sorry, I told her I loved her, I told her I wanted the best for her, and I told her I would be there for her when she was done with him again. The only response I received was to be blocked by her on social media, which was not surprising. 

What was a little surprising was how a mutual friend enthusiastically agreed with me about the letter I was writing and why, agreed that he was terrible and most of her friends and family were not supportive of them being back together, but as far as I know, hasn't backed me up. To be fair, this person is not big on confrontation, which is a natural side-effect of Radical Honesty. 

When faced with silence, all I can do is assume they are doing what is right for them. I understand that it is possible to absolutely know the truth of something all the way to your core, and still be upset when someone holds a mirror up and shows you that you are not acting in your own best interest. I understand that the natural reaction is to be defensive and maybe lash out. 

C'est la vie

I want to be empathetic and understanding while simultaneously upkeeping my role as the giver of tough love. At the end of the day, I am ok with that, because I can rest easy knowing I am living in accordance with my goals, morals, and beliefs. 

I struggle with knowing if it would be better if I could shut up, or just nod and smile. I don't want to be someone who says the first thing that comes to their mind with no filter because they are "just living their truth." The thing is, I do filter what I say, and I try to say it in the kindest way possible so that it has the best impact.

It is just that, for better or for worse, my Authentic Self has a real penchant for Radical Honesty.