An Impatiently Unenthused Youth
As I have said in the past, I started Life Sampler as a selfish means to an end. I wanted to find something that lit my internal fire. I was desperate for a passion that gave meaning to life. I was jealous of my friends and family who could sit for hours on end with an amazing focus to do what they were passionate about.
For my incredibly talented sister, that was painting. I remember a particular piece of work she did in late middle school or early high school that was a large canvas of all of the Sailors from Sailor moon, including the lesser known ones. I do not know, nor have I ever known, young teens with this particular amount of dedication. She spent 2 or 3 days in her room, sometimes for 8 hours straight, working on the gigantic piece.
At the same time, I was struggling to overcome ADHD and dyslexia, so prolonged focus was not my strong suit. For most of my life, it seemed like nothing was my strong suit. Nothing came easy or naturally. I wanted to latch on to something I couldn't even identify, and it was incredibly frustrating.
Practice What You Preach
If you are familiar with some of my writings (shout out to you, Ren), you may know that I loathe hypocrisy. I do not advise or ask of someone something that I would be unwilling to do myself. For example, when I would regularly see my stepkids, I would tell them that they had to read for 30 minutes everyday, and every day I would sit down with them and read my own book to be a good role model. I have always hated the expression, "Do what I say, not what I do."
I value truth and honesty, maybe to a fault. I have been told many times throughout my life that I hold people to a very high standard, and I tend to get frustrated when one does not rise to meet an occasion. This may be a perfect time to mention that I am fully aware that I am not perfect. Far from it. I have spent the entirety of my life trying to scrape together bits of self esteem, and I am my own worst critic. The harshness with which I am viewed to judge others is pure adulation compared to the brutal and disdainful self-talk I developed through my life.
I always endeavor to lead by example, and today I made a huge personal breakthrough. In starting Life Sampler, I have suggested- insisted, even- that you break from your comfort zone and try things that are scary and could lead to disappointment or failure. Today, I practiced what I preach. It was difficult, but exhilarating.
Delve Into What You Are Drawn To
Life Sampling is like chucking a handful of pasta at the wall to see what sticks (I have never really understood this expression, and it sounds so messy). When you sample something that strikes a chord within you, that is a sign that you are heading in the right direction towards your passion and purpose.
When I sat down one day to consider what I would want to do if money were not a factor in my life, I went through long mental lists, and the one thing that kept rising to the forefront of my mind was writing. For me, writing can be so many things: an escape, an outlet, a therapist, a soapbox, and a way to examine my thoughts and feelings from a different perspective.
This morning as I was sipping my coffee and beginning a light reading novel, I was suddenly struck with the urge to write. Out of nowhere, separate from this passion project that is my blog, and separate from my observational non-fiction book I am working on, I was inspired to write a political piece about patriotism. I am so pleased to say that after I wrote the article, I decided to submit it as an op-ed to the New York Times.
Win, Lose, or Draw, Be Proud of Yourself! 
The New York Times is a highly acclaimed news outlet in the United States, and as such, they receive hundreds, maybe even thousands of writing submissions. I am a nobody in the writing world, but the beauty of the Times is that anyone can submit an article. The chances that my article will be chosen to run in print or online for one of the largest and most lauded news outlets is slim to none, and I knew that when I submitted my work. What I am proud of is that I pushed through my fear of failure that was holding me back. I didn't let my negative self talk damper my enthusiasm for the writing I had produced.
Pretty much immediately after I hit the "send" button on my email submission, I reached out to my friend at work to tell them what I had done. They were equally as proud and enthusiastic about my accomplishment as I was, and it felt so wonderful to have a sense of camaraderie with a person who struggled to find their niche and passion as well.
I know it would be a huge honor to be published in the New York Times, if nothing else just to be able to say I was a published author. I also know that even if the odds are stacked against me, I overcame my fear of failure long enough to just try. It all comes full circle. To Sample Life is simply to look for joy unashamedly, and without being bound by fear.
CASEY. I AM SO FUCKING PROUD OF YOU!!!! This post was *awesome.*
ReplyDelete“Nothing came easy or naturally.” ***FUCK***, I identify with this SO hard. It has always felt like I have to try So. Fucking. Hard to do pretty much anything.
My feeling has always been that I am just… too damn much. There’s too much of me. I take up too much space. I have too many feelings. I get too enthusiastic about things. I’m too emotional. Just… too much. So, I’ve worked hard to be more… palatable, I guess. To not monopolise conversations. To not interrupt people. To try and remember to smile at the right times and make the right amount of eye contact (but not too much) and… oof. It is exhausting. (This tangent brought to you by the ADHD comics I’ve been reading today and my ongoing process of realising that like… shit. There’s nothing wrong with me as an individual human. I’m not lazy or bad or careless or too loud or LAZY - had to say it again bc that was the fucking mental theme of my brain for YEARS. I’m neurodivergent! My brain is fundamentally different and works in fundamentally different ways!)
And while my tendencies have been different from yours, I have just spent… so many lonely years wondering what’s WRONG with me. And even now, like. TODAY. I’ve been flitting from thing to thing, like. CRAVING some kind of relaxation or play that will be exactly what I want. I’ve probably played 6 different games, and nothing is really working. It’s like trying to scratch an itch I can’t reach (something I’m also dealing with these days bc I literally have a heart monitor stuck to my skin and I hate it…). So I RELATED HARD TO: “I wanted to latch on to something I couldn't even identify, and it was incredibly frustrating.” ME TOO, FRIEND. ME TOO.
WHOOP WHOOP I GOT A SHOUT OUT YAY ME *throws confetti*
Okay, but your whole paragraph about high standards??? WOW. That is something I deal with as well. I’ve never been in a romantic relationship, and I’m 32. Attraction in real life is still somewhat mystifying to me, so that’s probably part of it, but the rest is that… I have really, really high standards. And there haven’t really been any people who ever displayed interest (that I could detect, at least, though in my process of self-discovery, I’m realising just how oblivious I’ve been about a LOT of things for a LONG time lol) who came anywhere close to them.
And the rest of this paragraph??? “I have spent the entirety of my life trying to scrape together bits of self esteem, and I am my own worst critic. The harshness with which I am viewed to judge others is pure adulation compared to the brutal and disdainful self-talk I developed through my life.” It fucking SHREDDED my heart. Because I’ve been there. I’m still there. It’s a constant battle, but the way you phrased it was so fucking accurate and heart-wrenching at the same time. I’m still reeling. One of the choruses I was in years ago had a coach come in who talked about the ‘committee of assholes’ in your head who sit in judgment over you, and that picture has always stuck with me. And *shit*, those are some mean - no, *cruel* - voices to be dealing with.
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I had to come back up here after my initial response to address the search for something soothing as someone who experiences ADHD. I am not a neuroscientist or doctor, but I have read comparisons of this sort of behavior (for me, it is flipping through specific sitcoms that have reliably given me the feel-goods, like Parks and Rec, Kimmy Schmidt, and The Good Place. Unfortunately, it is kind of like a drug, where the more you use it or see it, the less effective it becomes). It has been likened to the self-soothing habits of persons who live with various levels of autism. When the brain is in a state of chaos, it does feel like a huge itch that needs to be scratched, and if you could only find that one thing, you would feel SO much better. I have such empathy for that feeling, especially when you can't find that thing.
DeleteWhen I was nervous about a specific event last week, I wound up doing 2 acrylic canvas pours and 2 alcohol ink pieces because I was so worked up that it felt like I was vibrating. Calm and peace can be very elusive for us, and I try to calm by brain chaos with my Life Sampler projects like photography, painting, epoxy work, and especially meditation.
Sometimes it sucks to come to a realization in the moment that the self-soothing isn't working, and you kind of have to accept the icky feels until the dissipate. I am still working on interrupting my thought process when I start to work myself up about how wrong [whatever the thing is] could go.
I laughed out loud at the spaghetti bit (and yeah, I have also never understood that phrase), but I love that reminder of something striking a chord. So very many of the things I’ve come to realise in the last few years have been rooted in the process of learning and trusting myself more and more, of pulling together the disparate pieces of my personhood and looking at the whole. One thing may not be significant in and of itself, but when I take a step back, I begin to see that… it’s not just one thing. There’s another clue over there, another in my childhood, another in my work history, and so on. So much of what I’ve learned about myself (namely that I’m a queer, neurodivergent, gender nonconforming individual) has finally come about because of accepting something that most likely scared me shitless, speaking it aloud enough times for me to realise and internalize the truth of it, and/or and becoming too tired and worn down to fight the truth anymore. And, in every single case, there’s an internal chord or voice or tiny core of certainty that I’ve (eventually) listened to. (I am now rambling. Don’t mind me…)
ReplyDeleteWhen you mentioned the ‘if money wasn’t a factor’ thing, it was interesting to realise that my answer has changed. For years and years, it’s been: I would travel and eat good food and take pretty pictures. Now, I would want to write too and be open to new ways of nourishing my creative self. I’ve been writing daily for probably about two years at this point, but I hadn’t realised until today that it had become something I would continue to do for its own sake in an ideal scenario. And you are so right about writing. It’s kind of magical, honestly. It’s processing and it’s storytelling and it’s encouragement. It’s happiness and comfort and validation - sometimes for others, sometimes for ourselves. It’s standing your ground and refusing to give in to pressure even under enormous pressure. It’s lyrics and poetry, a music all its own even without a background track. It’s the feeling of a word in your mouth or on the page that perfectly expresses what you were trying to say. It’s so very many things, and I’m so grateful it’s become a part of my life and my creative practice after believing for years and years that I was decently good *at* writing, but I would and could never be *a writer.*
I applaud your writing inspiration, and especially the follow-through, since that’s often such a difficult thing, in my experience! ALSO the fact that you are writing a book TOO is amazing! You’re fucking badass, friend.
I am INCREDIBLY proud of you for submitting your op-ed. To go from having the thought to actually sending it in? That’s a really tough thing to do. I recognise the effort it took and the brain gremlins you had to battle. You kicked their asses, and you DID THE THING!!! And HELL YEAH I WAS AND **AM** PROUD OF YOU. VERY PROUD! And while I’m not surprised you used my pronouns, it’s still SO LOVELY TO SEE THEM EVERY TIME :sob:
You genuinely never know what’ll happen. My community dinner theatre experience all came about because I was brave enough to audition, something I managed despite crippling anxiety and self-doubt. MANY of my current and lasting friendships have developed because I commented on someone’s stories online and we became friends. Or because I *happened* to be on twitter (a platform I dislike) at the same time as several people who have now become my family. I mean. I nominated my friend for something, and they received a video from an actor who means a lot to them. If we never try, we have zero chance at succeeding. (I have a whole meditation on hope that came from me entering a contest that I did not win… haha)
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That was such a lovely ending! Part of my recent journey has been trying to take back that cruel mental narrative and combat that feeling of too much. I don’t care too much. I don’t chase joy too much. I don’t love too much. I *will* cultivate those things in my life because they are precious to me and because they are things worth pursuing. I will not give in to fear. I will not let fear make me a small and shriveled spirit. I will *live* and love and *feel*, even if that means letting the hurt in. Because it’s worth it. Trying counts. Trying is the most worthwhile thing in the world, and we’re going to keep doing it! Onward and upward, friend. We’ve got this. <3
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Ren, I am so grateful for and humbled by your response to this piece. I feel so fortunate to have met you through work, and that somehow, even when we never really have had direct verbal conversations, I really look forward to our slack conversations. After telling my husband I submitted the op-ed, you were the first person I told, because I knew you would match my enthusiasm. You are one of those beautiful, rare souls that takes great pleasure in the successes of others, and I see how hard you work to build a sense of community at work, which is hard when no one has really met anyone else. You radiate kindness and support, and it it so comforting to know there are other people out there who just want the best for others- not to tear them down or criticize them. The world is hard enough already, especially this year. It is a privilege and an honor to watch you go through your own self analysis and self realizations this year. I am so proud of you and all the guts it took to take a stand on how you want to be addressed.
ReplyDeleteI was always taught not to compare my journey to others (way easier said than done, I know), so to me it seems irrelevant that you haven't had a romantic relationship yet. I am only 2 years older than you and I have endured a lot of scarring due to romantic relationships, so I am not sure you are missing a whole lot. I wish I had applied my high standards to partners, but I always seemed to overlook red flags because I wanted to feel loved and accepted. Whomever you decide to become romantically involved with whenever the time is right will be an incredibly fortunate person to have secured such a positive force in their life.
You are amazing, and I appreciate all of your love, support, and feedback! <3