Extracting the Good

 Cautious Optimism 

Well, it feels like 2020 has contained about 3,000 days so far. It is only mid October, so maybe another 1,500 days to go until 2021, right? 

As easy as it can be to slip into a pity party now, and trust me that I have thrown a bunch at this point, it is so important to remember to look for the silver linings in these dark clouds. I was recently lamenting the temporary loss of custody of my stepkids due to COVID-19, as both households have radically different ideas of what it means to be safe and socially distanced. We happen to be the family with higher concerns, as I am immunocompromised, so we are the more restrictive household. 

The only solace I can extract from this situation is that I know the children are getting what they want (socialization, sports, on-campus school), and we are able to protect ourselves more thoroughly. Before the visitations stopped, I would get extreme anxiety before they would come visit because I had no way of knowing their behavioral patterns in the weeks prior, which always felt like a huge risk. 

I am cautiously optimistic that a safe vaccine will be developed by early next year, so we can resume visitation, we can give them huge hugs, and everyone will feel safer. Although my mind does wander in unhelpful directions to the point of spiraling out, I have become better at interrupting that destructive pattern.  Instead of fretting about what the kids are doing, when I have absolutely no control over any of it, I pause to take a moment to send positive vibes, well wishes, and feelings of protection around all of them- the kids, their mother, and her new boyfriend who used to be our neighbor. 

While my initial reactions to thinking about the two latter humans usually invokes rage and nausea, I am trying to develop the best version of myself by sending love and protection to them, despite my fervent disagreement with their decisions as a whole. I do it because I want the kids to know that everyone has their best interests at heart. I may not believe they do, but I have to let myself believe it because there is no alternative except to drive myself further into despair. 

The Kids Are Alright

Part of the reason I feel so deeply for these children is that my sister and I were also the products of a divorced family. It is easy to get swept up in ideas that these young children's minds are being pumped full of disinformation or malice against us.  In reality, we have no idea what they are being told. We know that they seem excited to video chat with us on Sundays. As I was navigating my childhood through two households, I was told a lot about "the other parent" from both sides. It was very rarely good. 

I have become increasingly aware in the last few years that I have assumed that these two wonderful children that I now officially get to call my step kids are experiencing the same trauma that my sister and I had to spend years in therapy to undo. I most probably have projected some of my fears and past experiences onto their experience, but I do not know the entirety of their lives. I have only been privileged to be a part of their lives for the past 4 years.

While they may be experiencing trauma, I have noticed how resilient and adaptive children are.  I was a very angry child, and it has taken most of my life for that anger to dissipate.  I have tried to pivot my thinking to a few years down the road, when they have more freedom and autonomy. I can't focus on this point in time, firstly because this year is a straight up dumpster fire, but secondly because I remember how I felt when I was their age. I was old enough to realize when I was being manipulated, and I was smart enough to realize that adults have no freaking idea what they are doing, and pretty much everyone is damaged in some way. 

I think about their adulthood, because I think about my relationship with my stepmom, Kathleen. 

Family Isn't Always Kin

My dad started dating Kathleen when I was in middle school. He eventually moved in to her home, and she kindly set up beds in her office so we would be able to spend every other weekend in her two bedroom condo. 

Kathleen was always kind, and always tried to get to know us and be interested in our lives, even though we only saw them a limited amount of time. Kathleen never pushed. Kathleen never judged. Kathleen only offered solicited advice (something I am still working on). Kathleen was a female figure I felt comfortable opening up to in a time when my relationship with my mother was stressed. 

After high school, dad and Kathleen would bribe me with dinner and a free washer and dryer (I lived on campus at college, where the laundry was coin operated, and I was very broke). I say bribe, but I know it was just loving invites. I introduced friend and boyfriends to them, and they were happy to extend invitations to parties and celebrations. 

My dad left Kathleen when I was about 24. I dutifully came to help my dad load up boxes and move up north. I believe Kathleen thought that would be the last time we would speak. Not long after dad had settled, I called to check in on her to make sure she was ok. She seemed shocked, but elated that I would want to maintain a relationship with her. "Well DUH," I said to her. "At this point, I have known you longer than I have not known you!" When I got married the next year, she was invited along with both my parents. Was it stressful? Undeniably. Was it worth it? Absolutely. My mom and Kathleen get along just fine, but my dad can (understandably) get a little awkward around them. 

Any friction that may happen between them is always overridden by the fact that all of them want what is best for me and my sister. When I finally earned my bachelors degree last year, my mom, my dad, and Kathleen were all there to celebrate with me. I know it can get uncomfortable, but everyone knows that this is the only way to be if they want to be included in my life. 

My dad and Kathleen never actually got married, but I will always call her my stepmom.

Pick Someone You Respect to Emulate

When I first started dating my now-husband-as-of-last-week, I had no idea that I would become a stepmom. I had always assumed I would have biokids. Step-parenting is so difficult because it is a tightrope walk of authority and deference to the parents wishes. 

When I would get stuck on how to act as a step-parent figure to a 7 and a 10 year old, I started running calculations that my brain had filed under "What Would Kathleen Do?" Due to the fact that I have enjoyed and still enjoy the relationship I have with my stepmom, I wanted to do my best by these little ones. I hoped that perhaps eventually, if I were to be so lucky, I would be able to have a relationship with them in the future, as adults. When I think about the aspects of Kathleen's personality that drew me to her, it is her honesty, kindness, and reliability that top the list. That was the kind of step parent I wanted to be. 

So for the past 4 years, I have done what I could. I cooked healthy dinners when they were here, I took them to school, I volunteered in their classrooms and on field trips. I told them I would always be honest with them, and that I wanted what was best for them. I told them I loved them, but tried to give them space and not be suffocating. I read with them, played board games with them, checked their homework, and watched baking shows.  I feel like I was allowed the privilege to be a positive influence in their lives in a time of rapid growth and development. 

Now they are 11 and 14, and we have tried to encourage self-advocacy, since they have gone through a lot in their short lives with little autonomy. If they have self-advocated to participate in activities that we deem too risky during a time of a global pandemic, so be it. I hate hypocrisy, and it would be foolish of me to advocate for them to speak up for themselves, but only if it benefited me and my husband. 

Life Sampling Family? 

I took a leap of faith when my husband gave me an "out", as it were, before his kids moved back to CA from the East Coast four years ago. They would be living with him the whole summer, and he said he understood if that wasn't something I had expected or signed up for. I knew he was special, and I always loved children, so I sampled parenthood. 

At the time I was still considering having children of my own. Being 10 years my senior, my husband gave me a second "out" when he firmly told me he was done having children. We discussed separating if that was a deal breaker for me. Once more, I took a leap of faith that this man and his children were worth what many women would consider a huge sacrifice: my relationship with them would cost the opportunity of having biological children. I initially grieved the loss of a lifetime expectation, but I channeled my desire to love and raise a tiny creature into adopting a wonderful puppy we named Atlas. The kids came with us to pick him out, and they love him too. 

It has been surprisingly awkward for me to explain my decision to other women. Although I know it is meant kindly, I get increasingly frustrated with comments like, "But you are YOUNG, you still have time!" and "Maybe he will change his mind!" and to my shock, "Well...I mean...you could just get pregnant, and he will come around." FFS. So many people are so invested in other people's bodies and life choices. The amount of friends and strangers that suggested in one way or another that I "trap" him frankly made me disgusted. 

Dear reader, whatever you decide to do with your body, however you decide your version of family will look, however you decide to live your life, as long as it does no harm to others, is the right decision. This is your life, and although we are often influenced heavily by those around us, ultimately nearly everything is your choice. 

I choose to live in a way that I find to be honest, ethical, moral, and fulfilling. It can be all of those without having biological children. 

I hope in the future that I get to sample being a grandparent, but nothing in life is certain. All we can do is extract the good. 

I am 34, and I just got off the phone after an hour long conversation with my stepmom. I will always be grateful for the role she played in my life, even though our phone conversations sometimes reveal our divisions in politics or open-mindedness.  

We are not bound by law or blood, but Kathleen is my family, although I have been having some misgivings about how to stay connected to her when I am troubled by her outlook on life. I hope I can create and maintain a loving relationship with my two growing, wonderful stepkids, and I hope that we stay aligned as they become adults.