Unexpected Love

 Being Open to Possibilities 

An Unexpected Year

I am excited to say that I am getting married this weekend 👰. Excited to say it, but a large part of me is less excited to live it. After all, this is 2020- the mean bully on the playground which is not satisfied until it has taken your lunch money along with your dignity. 

I have grieved and accepted a lot of the negative circumstances of 2020, including the fact that my soon-to-be stepchildren can no longer participate in the wedding, as they have (understandably) chosen to participate in socializing and school activities, which puts immunocompromised people like myself at higher risk of complications should I contract the virus. 

I was very excited to have a blended wedding ceremony celebrating not only my love for my husband, but also for his incredible children. I have been honored to be participating in their lives in a role of stepmother for the past four years, and I was thrilled to be making it official. I am still thrilled to legally be a part of their family come Saturday, but a bit morose that they are no longer able to participate in the wedding. 

An Unexpected Journey

When I first met my fiancee, we were both suffering large losses and life upheavals. He was distressed that his children were across the country against his will (his ex-wife had married a military man and used it as an excuse to move the children out of state without his consent). The second time I ever met him, he was reeling from his best friend's suicide. 

As for me, I had just moved back to my home state after trying unsuccessfully to make my first marriage work. After realizing I had married a narcissist and master emotional manipulator, I found myself in debt, filing for divorce, and living in my best friend's high school bedroom as I was diagnosed with lupus- all before my 30th birthday. 

We were both on parallel self destructive paths when an acquaintance at the local pub asked me for a ride a few streets over to a house party. I decided to duck in for a moment, and it looked like I knew everybody at the house except for the homeowner! A friend at the time introduced us, which is how I was able to recognize him and start a conversation with him at the pub a few days later. Our first months together were full of spring parties scented with jasmine and sunscreen. 🌅

An Unexpected Role

As summer came, I was presented with a sentence I wasn't prepared for: "Well, we have had a lot of fun, but my kids come live with me for the summer."

"...Are you breaking up with me?" I asked in confusion.

"No... it's just that I have kids...and...I didn't know how you would feel about that."

"Well, if you aren't breaking up with me, I would love to meet them."

A few days later I awkwardly waited in the front room of his house as he went to collect the children. I was greeted with quizzical looks and polite introductions. I made sure to give them space and time with their father, but we all spent the whole summer together- splashing in the pool🏊, doing art in the cul-de-sac with our neighbors 🎨, playing board games 🎲, and snuggling on the couch watching movies 🎥. 

Weeks turned to months, and now four years later, I look back on that moment with such fondness and clarity. Due to medical and personal reasons, I will not be having any biological children. This does not change the fact that I hold nothing but love in my heart for these amazing young humans who helped me remember there was still something to live for when I was going through my darkest days. 

I have never tried to insert my self as the mother role in their lives. Their mother is their mother no matter what, and I do believe being a step mother demands a lot of humility, deference, and patience due to the "outsider" factor. I accepted my role from the beginning with the complete understanding that my influences would always be secondary to their parents. I never tried to be anything other than a loving, respectful role model with an unwavering dedication to their health and happiness. 

When my fiance proposed to me this February as we were about to board a sailboat, the children were excited, but not surprised. "We have already been calling you our stepmom for a few years...so... it's cool that it is official?" 

Never in my life have I been more thrilled at a blasé response to an engagement. 

In the unexpected and unprecedented year that is 2020, my heart is full knowing that I am entering the next chapter in my life with an amazing man, and these wonderfully unexpected humans who brought meaning, light, and love back into my life. 💜

Expectations and Possibilities

One might say that keeping expectations low in life leads to greater pleasures, because if you expect the worst, most things wind up being pleasantly surprisingly successful. 

While I believe preparation and the ability to pivot when things do not go according to plan is an invaluable combination for success, having and open mind and an open heart are similarly important. 

Being a Life Sampler requires a certain amount of openness and vulnerability. I understand first hand how difficult it may be to push past some of these uncomfortable feelings to try something new, especially if you feel like you might fail. 

I believe the point of life is to be ever-evolving and ever-learning. As cliché as it may sound, I believe that life is the journey, not the destination.  I want to soak up every ounce of joy that is available, and my inability to identify what brought me joy is what prompted the creation of the Life Sampler. 

Joy- unrestrained, pure, glowing joy- is what I wish for you, dear reader. You do not need me to tell you life is difficult. If you are reading this, I am sure you have encountered numerous struggles of your own. I am here to give you hope. 

No matter how down you may feel, especially now as COVID ransacks the globe, know that there is always hope for a better tomorrow. I honestly didn't think I would survive 2016, but as bitter as 2020 has been, I will perpetually be grateful for the clarity it has brought. As Rihanna would say, "we found love in a hopeless place."