When Life Hands You Lemons...

Oh. My. Goodness

I never imagined when I wrote my last blog entry that it would take nearly a year to write the next one. 

2019, How I Miss Thee...

My last entry was just before Thanksgiving last year. I was going to Texas to see my boyfriend's family for the holiday. I was excited, happy, and grateful. 

The Dawn of 2020

I was grateful in January when I got to go on a once-in-a-lifetime trip to Ireland that I had been planning with my sister since we were little. I was grateful that my boyfriend and sister got along well enough that we weren't concerned about a 10 day trip together, even though he had never crossed and ocean, and had a reasonable amount of anxiety. 

I was grateful and excited in February when my boyfriend (let's call him Jay) proposed to me as we were boarding a sailboat with his children. I was thrilled to actually be their stepmom instead of just their dad's girlfriend. 

And then there was March. Friday, March 13th, the most Friday the Thirteenthiest out of all the Friday the Thirteenths to ever dare to Friday the Thirteenth. It would turn out to be the last day the kids would attend their class in person. Around this time, we also got some news unrelated to the COVID disaster that further shook our world. 

The Luck of the Irish- What St. Patrick's Day?

March 2020 was one of the hardest months I have ever endured. The kids were excited to get an "extra long Spring Break," but Jay and I were seeing the writing on the wall that this was going to stretch much further than April. We came to the realization that we had to sell the house and leave our neighborhood for our mental health, but for me it was a nightmare of physical and mental hardships. I hired contractors to fix parts of the house so it could be sold. I found a realtor. I found a house to rent. I hired movers. I sorted, packed, and unpacked all of our belongings. I did this mostly on my own, as Jay was trying to transition to working from home in the midst of this madness. 

Through hard work and dedication, I got us into our new rental home and unpacked by the end of March. My success came at a harsh price. I was so stressed out that the thought of food made me nauseated. I had been lifting, sorting, packing, arranging, and cleaning for hours every day. With no calories in and excessive calories out, I rapidly began to lose weight. Normally, I would have celebrated, but I knew this was NOT the healthy way to do it. I have lost somewhere between 30-40 lbs from March to August. 

March 167th, 2020

Today is "August 27th, 2020," technically, but I (somewhat less than affectionately) refer to the days as how many days it has been since Doomsday. It has been 167 days since March 13th, 2020. I am immune compromised, so I have to take an abundance of caution when I leave my house to get groceries, which is pretty much the only thing I leave the house for. I do what I can to stay busy. I am grateful to have a part time job that was remote even before the pandemic. I am grateful that I changed my habits once we settled in, so I now feel I am at a healthy weight, I eat fairly well, I exercise daily, and I check in with my mental state often. 

Well, Now What?

I have used this time to strengthen my mind as well as my body. I am reading books on mental strength, working on art projects, and taking Masterclasses from idols like Neil deGrasse Tyson on critical thinking or RuPaul on being your authentic self. I am using this time to better myself and gain clarity. Both fortunately and unfortunately, this solitude has forced me to take a hard look at decisions I have made, and who I had chosen to surround myself with. My findings were that the people I had considered my "friends" pre-pandemic did not seem to value my friendship. I have cut a lot of people (and most of social media) out of my life. I am creating space in my life to be able to boldly and warmly accept what is coming next. Sometimes I feel lonely and hurt, but I also no longer feel like I am pouring time and effort into people that are not willing to do the same for me. My heartbreak at my losses is eased by the future I see for myself: a life full of loyal, dedicated friends who have as much to offer as I do, and who revel in the opportunity to be there for those they love. I just have to keep working on being the best version of myself, every single day. 

A Drop of Lemonade

During this pandemic, I have gone through phases of despair, acceptance, depression, anxiety, hope, disbelief... but every day I choose to take a sip from the lemonade I am trying to make from this disastrous batch of lemons the Universe has been chucking at us. I try to list at least 5 things I am grateful for, so I don't lose sight of the beauty of being alive. I still want to sample life. I want to enjoy it, savor it, and be in awe of it. Yes, we are in the midst of the hardest combination of crises the world has ever faced, but humans are nothing if not resilient. 

I want to lift you by reminding you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, we will make it out of this pandemic, and hopefully our country will finally settle into a new way of life where people treat each other with love and acceptance, instead of hate and fear. 

I also want to caution you that although we see the light, we are just in the middle of the tunnel. There is still a long road ahead. I know you may have caution fatigue, but I beg you to stay vigilant. We have not passed the worst of it. Please help each other, love each other, and care for the lives and safety of each other. 

"Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always."