Own It!

Putting it Out There:

A Lesson in Bravery

Don't Be Afraid to Fail!

In a previous post, I had mentioned how in high school I learned the improv battle cry of "we suck, and we love to fail!" This simple sentiment has helped me summon the 5 seconds of courage needed to start a task hundreds of times in my life. Most of the time, being in a state of fear of the unknown or dwelling in the catastrophic possibilities is worse than doing the thing you are afraid of. 

Leap of Faith

Putting yourself or your work "out there" in public view can be very intimidating. You know that by doing so, you are opening yourself up to critique. You know very well that if you don't put yourself out there, there is no chance of feeling like a failure. I follow the school of thought that every failure is an opportunity for learning and improving. You are currently reading my leap of faith. I have always loved languages and writing, and I recently began writing a book as a way to process my history, as well as my current circumstances in the times of the pandemic. When I write cards, share my stories, or give my "hot takes" on a subject, I have been told I am a good writer. While this is comforting and motivating, I am also aware that my feedback channel is also my close circle of family and friends. This blog is my leap of faith in my abilities as a writer, as well as my leap of faith to believe in the kindness of my readers. 

Aspirations

In this time of solitude, I have become aware that I have (for the most part) exited survival mode. When you are only focused on surviving, there is no time, energy, or resources left to consider what it would take to thrive. In this ever-lengthening suspension of time, I have considered what would make me truly happy. It is healthy to have goals and aspirations, but I always felt like I put a limit on my aspirations to avoid what I considered inevitable disappointment. I realize I was putting a cap on my happiness by limiting what I thought was possible. My aspirations were based out of fear which, to put it bluntly, is the least productive way to achieve your goals. As I began to shift my mental focus out of survival and into being able to appreciate life for the sake of living, I realized that my "dream job" is to be a creative non-fiction writer. 

Break it Down

When I put my intention to be a creative writer into words, I knew I had to turn it into an action plan in order for it to hold any weight as a goal instead of a dream. It started simply as a Doc titled "book." When a topic would pop into my head, I would open up that Doc as quickly as possible, and type out what I was thinking or feeling about that topic. My original vision for the book was basically experiences, stories, and outlooks on broad topics. The more I wrote, the more that I felt the book was disjointed, and presented itself more like a diary than something anyone else would want to read. I got overwhelmed at the prospect of trying to find a path for the chapters that made sense. I got overwhelmed thinking about publishing a whole book. I got overwhelmed doubting myself, and my ability to reach others through language. I caught myself in a downward doubt spiral, and slammed on the breaks. I was falling back into panic patterns, thinking about how I would feel like such a failure if I put my whole heart into my words, and they would fall flat and empty to readers. My sister helped me realized that it might be easier to break my work down into smaller parts, and publish them in pieces rather than put the anxious weight of publishing a book for the first time squarely on my shoulders. I had to pivot.

Go With the Flow

What started as a book that I envisioned having short, easily digestible chapters that could be read out of sequence turned into 40 pages of my life story. Some parts were funny. Some were gut wrenching. Some were angry. I realized that although my chapters were disconnected, they still had the same characters, as they consist of the people who have woven in and out of my life. The more I tried to make sense of the book and control the narrative, the more frustrated I got by my perceived incompetence at organization. In order to continue to build the courage needed to continue my dream of being a "real" writer (whatever that means), I needed to go with the flow. When I feel like I have been to strict with myself or too hard on myself, I imagine myself floating down a lazy river in a giant flamingo inner tube with a floppy hat and margarita. It is how I remind myself that I am my own worst enemy when I try to control everything. 

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Practice what you preach. Set a good example. These are phrases we have probably heard all of our lives. What I have promised to myself and to others when I try to help someone is that I will never ask of others what I am unwilling to do myself. I can't in good conscious suggest that you "Own It!""Be Brave!" or "Embrace Failure!" if I am unwilling to do the same thing. That is hypocrisy, and I try to stay away from that as much as possible. My action plan is to begin publishing some of my "chapters" in this blog, as I face my fears and try to sample my ideal life as an author. I humbly and greatly appreciate constructive feedback. 

Your Turn!

Feel free to leave comments, and share your experiences or questions. Did you accomplish a goal by overcoming fear of trying? What is your passion that brings you happiness? Are you learning new skills or acquiring new hobbies during this forced time of self reflection? How are you being a Life Sampler during these extraordinary times?