How Do You Eat An Elephant?

One Bite at a Time!

Do you know that feeling when it seems like you have a million things to do, but there are only so many hours in the day? You do a little here, a little there, but then you wind up sidetracked either by something that took way longer than expected, or (more likely) you got distracted by something on your phone, and went into a scroll-hole.

As someone diagnosed with ADHD a long time ago, I can tell you this is part of my every day life. Sometimes I can pour over my computer writing for hours, but most of the time, I sort of flit from one thing to the next, becoming increasingly frustrated with myself that I can't get to everything on my list.

Today, in my typical Life Sampler fashion, I am trying something new. Today I am doing everything in 30 minute increments.

This is something I have never tried before, and you may be thinking that 30 minutes isn't enough to become productive at something. Who knows, in the future, I may wind up expanding it to 45 minutes or an hour.

The point is that I identified a problem, which was my perceived inability to accomplish all my daily goals. I also know I can be my own worst enemy. For example, I HATE doing laundry. I despise it with a passion. I love fresh clothes, I don't really mind the sorting, but for some reason I completely lose it when it comes to getting things from the washer to the dryer, and for whatever reason folding and hanging clothes is the absolute BANE of my existence. There is nothing inherently bad about doing laundry, I just hate it with a passion that burns hotter than hellfire.

The old adage that lends itself to the title of this blog is an analogy for accomplishing big tasks. Eating an elephant is no small task. How do you even start?! One bite at a time. The analogy always grossed me out, because I have a vivid imagination, but the lesson rings true: in order to accomplish goals, it is best to start with the first small step, and go from there.

"Time is really the only capital that any human being has, and the only thing he can't afford to lose." -- Thomas Edison

WonderMom: How does she do it?!

You know that mom who seems to have endless energy, boundless dedication to her children and their education, an amazing love life, AND hold down a job? I have known a few of them, and I will tell you they are more ragged behind the scenes than they appear, but they still pull it off. If you came to this blog wondering how they do it, I can only say I wish I had the answers for you. This is not that blog. 😅

I don't have bio-children, I haven't seen my stepkids since August 2020 (due to the Pandemic), I don't have to work a full time job, and I feel like I am Still. Always. Freakin. Tired.

My 30 minute system is a way for me to see where I am dragging my feet, where I need more time, and it is designed to give me a sense of accomplishment. After all, four hours is eight 30 minute segments, and I know I can get a lot done in eight sections.

Why Bother?

If I can get so much done in eight 30 minute segments, why not just put my head down and grind out some work for 4 hours? It ties back to my ADHD. I had to find ways to overcome my learning hindrances in order to do well in school and hold a steady job. One phrase that I loved to use when I worked at Trader Joe's was "work smarter, not harder."

This is a trial method to see if working in half-hour increments makes my day easier. Though I may not be wrangling 3 kids under 5 years old or rushing off to a corporate job, there is still plenty that I do in my day, especially since I am loving the idea of expanding the Life Sampler to YouTube (more to come on that).

The following are some items I wanted to work into my daily schedule to become routine habit:

AM:

Write for Life Sampler Blog
Plan YouTube content
DuoLingo (Spanish, French, German, Arabic)
Empty dishwasher
Breakfast
Dance Workout
Art- acrylic, alcohol ink, or epoxy
Singing Practice

PM:

Read
Walk Atlas (dog)
Yoga
Edit videos
"Show Her Off" dance practice with Hubby
Chores

vacuum
laundry
clean floors
bathrooms
grocery shopping
dishes in dishwasher
handwash other dishes
wipe down kitchen counters
grind coffee, and set machine for AM

It is super easy to get sucked into the things I enjoy doing (DuoLingo, singing, dancing, writing) and super easy to get distracted away from the things I am not as fond of (laundry, editing videos, dishes) by engaging in things like scrolling social media, reading the news, or just fully giving up and going on a Netflix binge.

These are just daily goals I want to get in the habit of, but because I have no formal schedule, there are also so many other things that sneak their way in your day. Showering/dressing/getting ready for the day isn't on that list either, so that is more time spent elsewhere.

If I need to break from the to-do list, I will still set a 30 minute timer, and that will be a rest/goof-off time set. Those are important to work into the schedule too! Sometimes you just need a nudge to get you back to the task at hand.

My 30 minute breakup of my day will hopefully allow me to get most of those dailies done, and some should take less than the 30 mins, leaving me with extra time here and there. I have broken the rule a little bit this first day to take two 30 minute sections to write and edit blog.

My alarm is about to go off, and I suppose I will give myself 5 minutes to transfer in between tasks. I guess I will see if I can roll "getting ready" and "breakfast" into the same half hour segment, but if I don't, THAT IS STILL TOTALLY OK!

I am learning, I am trying new things, and I have to remember to be patient with myself. I won't berate myself for not following my rules, but I will try to stick to them to give the experiment a fair shot.

Everyone is different, and this style will probably drive some people absolutely out of their minds, but there may be a few of you out there with an "AHA!" moment after reading this, who now feel that with a little 30 minute timer, you can work smarter, not harder...

and eat the whole dang elephant!

Blind Spots

We all have blind spots and gaps in our knowledge. Ideally, you find a friend group and/or a partner who can help you fill those gaps in order to get a more complete and accurate version of the world.

Life Sampling is about trying something you have never tried before to see if it ignites a passion or curiosity within you. Sampling Life allows you to connect with yourself and what you need, and refines how you want to interact with the world around you.

Part of the theory of Racial Honesty that I follow sometimes entails holding a mirror up to someone so that they can see their blind spot. You are helping them see. To me, this should not be considered criticism, but rather a caring thing to do for someone out of love.

You want to see the best versions of them, and you want them to see the best versions of themselves as well. You want them to act like they deserve the best, because you want to see them thrive.

As someone who is deeply affected by criticisms and simultaneously detests hypocrisy, I try very hard to be self-reflective, so I can spot any previously unnoticed hypocrisies I may have committed. My sister once told me, "When you point a finger at someone, you have three pointing back at you. You tend to recognize things in others that you dislike in yourself."

Or, as John from The Good Place would say, "If you spot it, ya got it!"

Admitting you know nothing can be more powerful than trying to convince others you know everything. I admit that I am fallible, I am human, I make mistakes, and I try to own up to them.

Sometimes, no matter how long or how fiercely you pour over the mirror, there are still some things that get missed, like trying to put sunscreen on your own back.

Sometimes (many times), the strong, outspoken Alphas need someone to hold a different mirror up to them so they can see their blind spot.

Apparently, that can be a scary thing. I have been told I am too intimidating to say some things to, no matter how much I beg for people to be honest with me. Radical Honesty is a two way street, and you can't expect to dish out the honesty without being open to taking it as well.

If someone you know decides to have a Radical Honesty session with you, hopefully they have the tact, empathy, and vocabulary to give the feedback in a positive way, so that it is interpreted as it was meant to be received- with love, and born out of a sense of caring.

Often times, this is why I choose to communicate with people through writing. When I am passionate about something, I can get a little heated, and I don't think as clearly about what I want to say. When I take the time to sit down and write something to someone- especially if it is a form of feedback or Radical Honesty- it allows me the time to compose myself, make sure I am saying what I am trying to say clearly and concisely, and to edit.

During hard conversations, my brain can start to race, become foggy, or just draw a blank. Writing down what I want to say allows me to take a beat to reflect on what I am wanting to communicate to the other person. It allows me to feel heard without interruption, so that I can get out everything I wanted to say without having to revisit the topic down the road.

This can be a helpful exercise when dealing with anger or outburst issues. I have written many an email to my husband littered with profanity, accusations, and dramatic declarative sentences. Then- and this is truly the hard part- I DON'T HIT SEND. I take a breath, get a cup of coffee, maybe walk the dog to calm myself and process what I just wrote, along with the emotions attached to them.

After the walk I will come back and reread what I wrote that I wanted so desperately at the time to yell at my husband. If I feel that the points I made were warranted (sans profanity and insults), I will make a bullet point list on paper, so that I have a reference list when we sit down to discuss the disagreement later.

This is important for me, because my husband prefers to sweep disagreements under the rug, whereas I need some form of analysis and resolution to try to stop a cycle of the same (negative) behavior from forming. I talk out my letters with my therapist (EVERYONE should have access to, and use the services of a therapist, in my humble opinion).

Blind spots can be something like how a significant other is treating you, and how that treatment is interpreted by the people who love you. It could be trying to tell a friend you feel that they talk over you too much, when it turns out they felt they had to speak without taking breaths because you typically dominate the conversation.

People have meaningful conversations all the time about how to get their needs met, but we are hard-wired to think about our needs before other's needs. Sometimes it can completely escape us that what we are asking someone else to do or to stop is something we need to work on ourselves.

I am here to tell you that not only is that OK, but it is a positive thing. I believe that you should love yourself fully and enthusiastically, wherever you are in your life journey. However, I also believe that everyone should strive to be the best versions of themselves. It is nearly impossible to become the best version of yourself alone in a bubble.

You need interactions with other humans inside and outside of your cultural sphere to expand your horizons, open your heart to what is "different," and live with humility, love, and gratitude. Again, the whole point of the Life Sampler is to find what gives you purpose in life, along with a feeling of peace, well-being, and real happiness.

Someone exposing one of your blind spots is not an insult to who you are as a human. Rather, it is simply a mirror to help you on your journey. That is why all cars have mirrors- to avoid preventable missteps on the journey by giving you a fuller view of what surrounds you.

Leveling Up Is Not a Zero Sum Game

Winner Winner, Chicken Dinner! 💸

It is easy to get lost in the daydream of what you would do if you won the lottery. Whether sitting at a desk job I hated or doing long days with physical hours at a job I loved, I would envision reading my ticket with amazement as every single number matched.

I would envision donning a hat and sunglasses to be incognito as I walked into the lottery office to collect a check for millions. I had already decided to take the lump sum. I had already decided to decline a news conference. I would imagine depositing the check at a bank, and knowing the feeling wouldn't sink in until I was able to see all of the zeros in my account.

I ran through the immediate list of how people upgrade their lives when they get a financial windfall- stop working, new house, new wardrobe, new car, maybe blow a little on make up and hair. But then what?

According to an article on CNBC, many lotto winners declare bankruptcy within three to five years of their win due to lack of discipline with the money, depression over handling the windfall with friends and family who feel they are entitled to some of the winnings, or the over indulgence of drugs or gambling. I imagine many of these winners coming from simple backgrounds, maybe lacking education in financial management. After all, if they are playing the lottery, they probably aren't wringing their hands about their carefully curated stock portfolio.

What happens, then, if you find yourself in a new economic echelon in less dramatic circumstances?

When I first started dating my now-husband five years ago, he was financially recovering from his divorce, which didn't leave him with much extra at his rate of pay. I didn't know anything about him when an acquaintance introduced us at his house party.

I'm not gonna lie, I assumed he was renting the house, because I spotted a few bottles of Two Buck Chuck (a.k.a. Charles Shaw wine, sold at Trader Joe's for decades at $1.99/bottle). I worked at TJ's for 10 years, yes, I judged him on his wine selection🍷😂!

We were married in October of 2020, and in the last five years I have refined his palate for food and wine, and he has improved our net wealth with discipline and austerity. Although we do spend money here and there on things that bring us personal joys (food and travel for me, a nice car for him), I would not say that we live lavishly. We have what we need, and we are both pretty much minimalists. We prefer to watch our money grow and spend scrupulously so that we are prepared for the future.

My point is this: life can change on a dime, and I forewarn you with all of my heart and previous knowledge that the haters will come flocking to tear you down. There are people that DO NOT want to see you succeed. They don't want to see you get better, because it makes them feel worse that they are not doing better.

2020 has brought to light for me personally that MOST of the people I had surrounded myself with were big on needing support and validation, but not great at giving it. I have cut out a lot of toxic people, and I look forward to the people I will meet in the future who align with my personality and goals.

To that end, it is very hard to change economic tiers. When you are in the bottom, you go to the local pub and commiserate with the other people at the bottom, struggling in jobs they hate to pay bills that will never be payed off. There is a sense of unity in misery.

I think there is a commonality among some of the people who go broke after they win the lottery, and that is a lack of a sense of charity, generosity, and altruism. People are focused on their own fantasy of living "the good life," that the wealth can get squandered in the pursuit of personal, selfish wish fulfillment.

My lottery day dreams always included a house and care for my physically disabled mom, and an apartment and art studio that isn't mere feet from one of the busiest, most congested (and smog-producing) freeways in Los Angeles for my artist sister (side note, you should definitely check out her 'gram, as she is one of the smartest, kindest, most talented people I have the honor of knowing).

I planned to donate to causes like Planned Parenthood, as well as invest in companies that were trying to save the planet by reducing waste like Loop Industries. Since I advocate for "Putting Your Money Where Your Mouth Is," I bought eight shares of Loop Industries, and I recently found out that they are partnering with my favorite beauty supply store, ULTA.

Join the Waitlist!

I consider investing in companies you believe in one of the first basic steps of being able to make a difference in the world around you. 1) You are putting money in the stock market, which when done in a smart and disciplined manner can increase your wealth. 2) You are supporting companies you believe in, which can allow them to grow and exert pressure on other industries to follow suit and change industry norms. 3) You become more aware of the strength and power of companies, and how you as a consumer can help drive the economy and responsible business practices.

The secondary form of using wealth to make a difference is philanthropic organizations. At the beginning of my search of how to apply my skills and knowledge to give back to my community, I felt a little bit like the shopping scene from Pretty Woman.

I have emerged from the lower class to the upper-middle class, but this can be a hard border to cross because people already in philanthropic circles may doubt your ability to participate based on what they might see on your LinkedIn profile. They have no way of really getting to know you (or your financial situation) until you become a member.

I have a big heart, a lot of skills, and robust personality, but according to my LinkedIn, I have worked in grocery for most of my adult life, and finally managed to acquire a Bachelor's in Spanish in 2019. Honestly, if I were in their positions, I would be skeptical of my ability to pay between $250-$1000 yearly for the privilege of being part of the club.

So how do you break in to these social circles, philanthropic circles, and 1%er circles? According to my husband, you pay to play or you wait for someone to take a chance on you.

It is worth it for me to put in the work to find the right fit for my personality and ideas when I decide how I want to give back to the community in a way that will make the biggest impact. I don't want to hide my past or be ashamed of the fact that I come from a lower class family, and I worked in the service industry for most of my life. I believe everyone should have to work in the service industry for 6 months, at minimum (yes, including trust fund babies and the 1%ers). I think that would go a long way in raising our collective empathy, but that is a whole other story for a whole other blog.

After researching various organizations in my area through LinkedIn, I have decided that I will be joining Women Give San Diego, as it works specifically with the local women to create financial stability and independence. I identify with and agree with their statements on their about page:

"We stand unequivocally against racism, injustice, and inequality – structural roadblocks that have negated Black involvement as equally participating and contributing participants of our national community. We do stand with our Black community members. We stand with peaceful protesters everywhere."

When you level up and your ability to Sample Life broadens, make sure you keep true to your values, and stand by companies with with you align. Reach out to women who believe in helping others thrive. Yes, I will have to pay membership dues to enter the world of these talented, educated, empathetic women, and hopefully that will allow them to see me for the diamond in the rough that I am. It may take more than my talents to break into this world, but once I am there I know I can shine.

I want to do this now, so that down the road I can take a chance on someone with a fire in their heart and a deep drive to help others. Success for one does not mean less success for another. I want to see you thrive. I want to mentor. I feel good when other good people win.

As Tim McGraw says, "When you get where you are going, don't forget to turn back around and help the next one in line. Always stay humble and kind."

Staying Centered in Tumultuous Times

A Bleak Year Blends Into the Next...

My husband and I sat in my mother-in-law's house on December 31st, 2020. We watched the countdown on local news with little fanfare- no champagne, no party hats, no noise makers, and barely a mumble of "Happy New Year" as we unceremoniously turned off the TV and went to bed.

We had driven from Southern California to Austin, taking every precaution to wear masks and sanitize our hands after gas stops and food breaks. We split the 20 hour drive into 2 days, renting an "extra deep clean" Air BnB to rest at a half way point.

For days we had weighed the pros and cons of coming out to help my husband's family settle the affairs of his father, who had passed away after complications from a cancer removal surgery on December 23rd. It had been a sad Christmas for us all.

As overwhelming as 2020 had been, our 2021 was not off to the most hopeful start either. There was so much stress with the travel (I can tell you now, I am not excited for the 20 hour drive back in a few days), being concerned about any possible transmissions to or from my mother-in-law or sister-in-law, and dealing with the confusion and heartache that one experiences when dealing with hospitals, death certificates, and estate handling.

I sit here on Sunday, only 3 days in to 2021, as the 117th Congress convenes, audio tapes are released of Trump trying to strong arm his way into a second term, and Senators are weaving seditious and treasonous plans.

Although this does not at all resemble the United States of America I was taught to respect and revere as a beacon of democracy throughout the world, I am doing my best to stay grateful for what I have.

As a reluctant news junkie, I read devastating stories of atrocities all over the world. Only recently have I felt that America is slipping so far from what it once was that I fear for our ability to claw our way back to an equilibrium, to common decency, and respect for facts and science.

Reluctant Embraces

Aside from our wedding on 10/10/2020, where I was able to hug my sister and best friend as they acted as witness and oficiant respectively, I have not had physical contact with family or friends other than my husband and stepchildren since March 13, 2020- the ultimate Friday the 13th.

Despite the morbid circumstances that brought us here, I was so eager to see my newly official family-in-law. We wore masks as we unloaded our car- which included our 100-pound pitbull mastiff, Atlas- into Nana's house. As it was when my sister arrived on my wedding day, there were moments of awkward hesitation as we discussed how we would be handling mask wearing and contact during the trip. 😷😷

We had been very diligent about isolation from the very beginning, as my immune system is compromised due to lupus. Nana had been very diligent about isolation due to her age. We decided that as we would be sleeping in the same house for a week and eating together, masks inside seemed a little pointless.

We had more hesitation with my sister-in-law. She had been less assiduous, but as she is a teacher, we were grateful she would not be teaching in-person while we were there, and she had recently had a negative Covid test.

As we walked into their father's home on New Year's Day, we again did an awkward hug shuffle. Of course I wanted to embrace her in sympathy for her situation, as well as the fact that this was the first time we were seeing each other as relatives. "Oh good, I didn't know if we were hugging," she said as we came together briefly before assessing what needed to be done to go through their father's belongings and sorting paperwork.

Though usually outwardly stoic, I could have cried at the impact their hugs had on me. It made me feel for my 95 year old grandmother in a long term care facility near San Luis Obispo, CA. She forgets why my dad and aunt can't pick her up for their usual lunches anymore. My heart breaks for those who have been quarantined alone, without any human contact at all.

The thoughts of family members sharing tearful hugs through plastic sheets demonstrates both the unimaginable chaos and pain we are living though, as well as the ingenuity, hope, and resilience humans are capable of.

As Usual, It Boils Down to Gratitude

Every day I am grateful for my loving, protective husband and my affectionate dog. I am forever thankful that I do not want for food, clothing, or shelter. I could focus on the hundreds of things I perceive to have gone wrong this year, but with so much pain and suffering plaguing the world right now, I can not afford to allow myself to be swallowed by despair.

This year especially, I have been grateful that both my husband and I have been able to work from home, which has given us some piece of mind as far as the risks we take with the virus. I worked at Trader Joe's for 10 years, and I don't know what I could have done if I had still been working there at the start of the pandemic. I likely would have had to quit. I count grocery store workers as absolutely essential- worthy of respect, protection, and certainly hazard pay.

Aside from a kidney infection from lupus that sent me to the hospital this July, I can say I am grateful for my health. I feel so fortunate not to have lost anyone close due to Covid.

When it feels like every day there is some new catastrophe or some new horrific form of pandemonium, when it feels like America is burning down and we are facing the apocalypse, I run through everything I am grateful for, usually remembering to be thankful for the simple fact that I woke up this morning.

Brass Tacks

I love to philosophize about life and how to get through it, but sometimes you just need some straight forward information or a list of ideas. With that in mind, here are other ideas that can help you keep your cool during this extraordinary, bizarre period of time we are living through. In the spirit of Life Sampling, try a few and see what works for you:

Reading a book in a genre you love (admittedly I have been reading more news than books lately)
Reading self help books (I loved "I Hear You," as we could all use some help with communication these days)
Plan calls or video chats with friends and family (helps combat feelings of isolation)
Look into resources for seeing a therapist (this is a ridiculous year, and you can get help to find healthy coping strategies. Mental health is of the utmost importance)
Exercising (this is a great idea for everyone- it helps with mood, sleep, weight, and a plethora of other things! A few push ups and jumping jacks can get your heart pumping, and a nice yoga flow can help with relaxation)
Trying a new hobby you can do at home

Knitting or crochet (keeps your hands busy)
Painting (acrylic pouring is very popular now-check out my Instagram art page!)
Drawing or sketching (keep a book at hand for when inspiration strikes)
Coding (could possibly lead to career opportunities down the road. Kaggle is a free resource that is a great place to start!)
Sharpen your STEM skills (Khan Academy is an amazing free resource)
Gardening (Spring will be here before you know it! Plan what you might want to plant)
Puzzles (keep your brain sharp)
Learn a language (Duolingo is free, uses gamification techniques to keep you interested, and you can learn multiple language at once, if that tickles your fancy!)
Creative writing or journaling (start with stream of consciousness if you don't know where to begin)

I hope 2021 brings you health, wealth, hope, love, and happiness. Keep Sampling Life- find your passion.🎉

The Longest Night

Winter Solstice 2020

The Psychology of Desire

There has long been a debate about the degree to which humans are influenced either by nature (DNA) or nurture (the circumstances under which a person was raised). I find this debate fascinating because of how I view my family. For example, my sister is 18 months older than me, so for many practical reasons, I can say we grew up under very similar circumstances, although we share few similarities.

One of my favorite questions is why. Why do I look like my father but have a lot of the personality traits of my mother? Why does my sister look like my mother but has the personality traits of my father?

The facts are easy to state: I am tall, pale, dark haired, and blue eyed. I take risks, I like attention, I am not conflict averse. The reasoning behind these facts are both where my fascinations with human behavior lie, and where my frustration at unanswerable questions develop. Like some scientists that have preceded me, I have wondered if certain behavior markers are indicative of DNA expression.

According to a 2019 study, there are some genetic markers that can make one more or less predisposed to risk tolerance or aversion, which can in turn factor in on ones impluses to act on desires.

"Food is the Most Abused Anxiety Drug"

One undesirable habit that I picked up from my parents was the self-soothing coping mechanism of eating my feelings. Both of my parents were over eaters and emotional eaters. It is unclear what biological or learned factors are at work, but I picked up the habit of emotional eating, but my sister did not.

I remember my mother crying and eating a box of cookies in one sitting. I remember excuses of why it was ok to eat a bunch of chocolate on your period, or that it was normal to reach for something sugary when you were upset. No matter the occasion, sugar was the way to celebrate or comfort. While my mother did teach me to savor various aspects of consumption in settings like fine dining, there was a huge disconnect from what my mother tried to teach us versus what she actually taught us.

While there is much that can be said about my mother's parenting style, an unfortunate aspect that colors much of it is inconsistency. I call my mom a hippy because we grew up in California eating Whole Foods and Trader Joe's, smudging our house with sage, and making sure there was an appropriate amount of crystals around. When it came to food, my mom and sister were vegetarian or pescatarian for a large part of my upbringing.

We were reading food labels before it was cool. One of the items we always had to check was breakfast cereal. We were not allowed to eat a breakfast cereal if sugar was one of the first four ingredients. I don't know how familiar you are with breakfast cereals in the United States, but this criterion pretty much just left us with the option of GrapeNuts or Basic Four.

I know my mother's heart was in the right place as she tried to teach me and my sister about nutrition, but children are better at seeing actions than intent. I remember one Halloween when I was about 7, I tried to use some of my mother's inconsistent sugar logic to be allowed to eat another Pixie Stick (if you are unfamiliar, this just colored, sour sugar).

My logic was something like this: 1) We have to eat vitamin C chews every morning because Mom says it is for our health, 2) The chews are sweet, sour, and taste like oranges, 3) Orange Pixie Sticks taste like orange vitamin C, 4) Pixie Sticks contain vitamin C, and are therefore good for me. 5) I should be allowed to have unlimited orange Pixie Sticks.

I was quite mad when I was denied my extra dose of sugar, because I felt like I couldn't get a hold on what the rules were. When I was older, I realized my mother was susceptible to fad diets and "expert" advice that was far from expert (Dr. Oz and Dr. Phil were respected in our house before I learned better).

Due to the inconsistencies in sugar logic, it took me a long time to actually learn the facts about sugar, including why it is so prevalent in American food and culture, and the biological factors in humans that make sugar so addictive.

Mental Strength

I consider myself a fairly smart individual. I enjoy learning, research, self-improvement, exercise, fresh foods, psychology, and science. By all measurements, I am smart enough to know what is good for me and what is not.

I have no shame regarding mental health, and how important it is to daily life. I understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms. I can identify which of my habits are healthy or unhealthy.

I have found that to know something and to follow through with something are two separate beasts. When trying not to engage in unhealthy eating behaviors, I think about how my dad tried to cope with his unhealthy eating habits by imagining if your conscious would allow you to give a small child whatever you are going to eat.

"If you were babysitting little 7-year-old Casey, would you let her eat that whole tray of brownies? I hope not! Then why would you let adult Casey eat a whole tray of brownies?"

The most basic part of my brain wants to respond with some smart ass retort like, "Well 7-year-old Casey doesn't have to deal with the bullshit of being an adult, so adult Casey earned that tray of brownies."

I know damn well there is nothing that should earn me an entire tray of brownies, a whole batch of cookies, or the better part of a cake. I know that letting myself indulge in overeating sugar makes me feel literally sick to my stomach, it makes me feel disappointed in myself, it makes me feel mentally and emotionally weak. I binge so frequently that I gain weight.

Why in the world, if I know all of these things, do I continue to allow myself to indulge so heavily? According to Healthline, "researches in France agree that the casual link between sugar and illegal drugs doesn’t just make for dramatic headlines. Not only is there truth to it, but also they determined the rewards experienced by the brain after consuming sugar are even 'more rewarding and attractive' than the effects of cocaine." While I am grateful I never had a predisposition towards cocaine, the addictive properties of sugar are nonetheless disturbing and undeniable.

Besides the fact that this year has been a doozy to put it kindly, and a shit show to put it bluntly, I have gone through a lot of changes. Most of them have been a net positive on my life, but none of it has come easy. I have used the isolation of this year to clarify my goals, act with intention in a way that follows my morals, and clear away what has not been serving me up to this point.

As I have previously written ad nauseam, I have jettisoned toxic people, I have dedicated myself to learning and self improvement, I have redefined my goals based on numerous life trajectory shifts. In the last few years I have quit smoking, gotten a Bachelor's degree, gotten married, consolidated my 401(k) accounts and learned how to grow them, started investing in the stock market, started a blog, started a book, established my family, managed my lupus, sold a house, and dramatically decreased my drinking. I feel that all of these changes are a testament to my mental strength.

And yet, I have changed so much of my behavior that I tened to use it as a justification to stuff myself full of junk food. According to my logic, I have cut out so much "bad" stuff and implemented so much "good" stuff that I deserve these constant, not-so-little treats. I feel like I am missing out if I don't have dessert after dinner. This is where my mental strength falls short.

Unlearning

I have tried so many things to get this beast under control. I have tried a dissolvable pill called Sweet Defeat that contains zinc, which can confuse your taste buds and how your brain interprets the flavors so that you do not get the "high" that sugar provides. I have found I can easily talk myself out of taking it after dinner. I have tried not to buy desserts from the store. Too bad I am a good baker with infinite recipes at my finger tips!

While not his fault or his problem, my husband also loves sweet treats after dinner, and he loves my body at any size. This does not give me much incentive not to have sweets around.

In a year when I feel I have deprived myself of so much in order to keep from contracting a deadly disease, baking and eating sweet treats is not only a fun tradition, but a 34 year old tradition of self soothing.

While I have the mental strength to follow through and accomplish great things, I have to first unlearn my dependency on a sugar rush to easy my anxiety or sadness. I have to unlearn the connection between sugar and happiness I would see in my parents faces as they binged to feel better. I have to unlearn what being kind to myself looks like- reading a book or going for a walk instead of stuffing my face with lemon cake. I have to unlearn that moments of elation having the sugar melt on my lips is not worth the negative self-talk that follows it.

After all of the unhealthy ways I have learned to make myself feel better in the short term, I need to learn that I am worth the effort to find satisfying ways to end my evening that don't interrupt my sleep, my hormones, and my weight goals.

When it comes to breaking my dependence on sugar, I haven't figured out the how quite yet, but at least for now I have a better understanding of the why.

If you or a loved one suffer from addiction, you can seek assistance with the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration by clicking this link or calling 1-800-662-4357

I Embraced My Authentic Self- And Got A Lot of Feedback

For Better or Worse, I Am Who I Am

In the television series "Lie To Me," the character Eli is known to say things to other characters that many would follow with, "whoops, did I actually say that out loud?" Eli, one character explains, is a proponent of "Radical Honesty," which is to say he says exactly what he means, regardless of the consequences.

I follow two schools of thought when it comes to honesty, and many times they are at odds with each other.

This first is Socrates' Triple Filters of Speech. This frame of thought implores the speaker to consider three aspects of what they have to say to someone before it is spoken: Is what you are about to say 1) true (factual, honest) 2) is it kind (will it ultimately do good) and 3) is it necessary (is it useful).

While I try hard to run my speech or bits of information through the Three Filters, sometimes I tie myself in knots and wring my hands about the second filter. The second school of thought of Radical Honesty is not concerned with whether or not a truth is kind or if it does good. The truth is the truth, and it should be spoken, regardless of how a person may interpret that truth emotionally.

I have the reputation among my friends and family of being that person who will always tell the truth, even if it is hard to hear. While I rejoice that my circle finds me trustworthy, it is a heavy burden to carry knowing that it is expected that you will probably eventually say hurtful things.

From Brash to Banal, and Back

I try to hang on to my judgements and opinions as much as I can, but I am a talker and a sharer, and it can be very hard for me to stay quiet. When I do open up, I tend to speak bluntly- at work I was often checked for not sugar-coating my communications with my coworkers or supervisors.

I would like to clarify that I never tried to be rude or hostile, but I am 6 feet tall, and I have been told that between my stature and my manner of speech, I can come across as intimidating. I have been getting this feedback since middle school, and I have tried to adjust and adapt. I have tried to sand down my edges, smile more, speak less, and many other forms of trying to make myself smaller in every sense of the word.

I have tried to temper my reactions, which used to be quite volatile. I have tried, at the suggestion of people who wanted to see me succeed, to be more assertive and less aggressive.

I value and prioritize self improvement, but many of these adjustments to my personality didn't take. I felt fake, and I knew I somehow wanted to be the same person to others that I was in my head. I didn't want to be Jekyll and Hyde, I just wanted to be myself.

I tried to find a middle path where I could be honest and authentic while not driving people away. Like the late great Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg said, "Fight for the things that you care about, but do it in a way that will lead others to join you." I felt like I had good messages, but I was delivering them in a way that was unpalatable to most people.

I found that a way to temper my harsh image was with unrelenting kindness. "I want to be nice," I once told my sister. "That is the most boring personality trait, and it barely means anything" she countered. "True," I conceded, "well more than nice, I just want to be perceived as kind."

I started offering help more. I started being more free with compliments (though I never gave false compliments). I started being kinder to myself, which was a huge step I hadn't known I needed to take.

My kindness had the desired effect of tempering the impact of my radical honesty. I still got feedback like, "You aren't wrong, but you are a little harsh." I had to be more aware of what my friends and family needed.

My habit is to jump into giving opinions and solving problems, and I knew I had to start asking if someone wanted advice or simply wanted to be heard. I felt like I was becoming a better friend and a better person, but it was so hard to let go of the need to be heard myself. I spent so long seeking attention, that it was hard for me to focus 100% on what the other person was saying. I didn't want to be one of those people who only listen to just enough of what you are saying to be able to start forming what they want to say next.

Honesty as an Attribute? It Depends Who You Ask

Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is

I learned early on in my adulthood that when you buy something, you are supporting everything about it: from sourcing and manufacturing to packaging and delivery. Because of this, I have been hyper-aware of my spending habits since about 2004.

At the time I came into adulthood, I was not very aware of foreign policy or trade policy, but I knew that buying clothing from China meant supporting underpaid workers in terrible conditions, so I checked the label of each item of clothing before I bought it. If there were options other than being made in China, I chose the alternative. Sometimes there was nothing I could do in that moment, and I would have to compromise my values to get a product I needed. For example, sometimes the only socks in a store were made in China.

Unfortunately, the reason so may people support corrupt practices with their dollar is that the product is just so dang cheap! But that is because the workers were not being fairly compensated for their labor. I wanted to support as many American-made products as possible, but when you are living paycheck to paycheck, you simply can't afford to vote with your dollar. You just need to make that dollar stretch as far as possible until the next paycheck.

I understand the low prices are why many people choose to shop at Walmart. In 2006-2007, I was taking business classes online, and I had to write a paper on the business practices of Walmart, and how those practices often put small business in an unsurvivable position. A huge corporation bullied suppliers into manufacturing past their capabilities and providing those goods at unreasonably and unsustainably low prices. It also severely underpaid their workers by hiring groups of people that were so desperate for money that they accepted subpar wages. This is why Walmart was well know to have septuagenarians and octogenarians as their door greeters.

Accidental Activism

A Holiday Season Like No Other

The Great Reckoning of 2020

...And That is OK!

Cautious Optimism

Well, it feels like 2020 has contained about 3,000 days so far. It is only mid October, so maybe another 1,500 days to go until 2021, right?

As easy as it can be to slip into a pity party now, and trust me that I have thrown a bunch at this point, it is so important to remember to look for the silver linings in these dark clouds. I was recently lamenting the temporary loss of custody of my stepkids due to COVID-19, as both households have radically different ideas of what it means to be safe and socially distanced. We happen to be the family with higher concerns, as I am immunocompromised, so we are the more restrictive household.

The only solace I can extract from this situation is that I know the children are getting what they want (socialization, sports, on-campus school), and we are able to protect ourselves more thoroughly. Before the visitations stopped, I would get extreme anxiety before they would come visit because I had no way of knowing their behavioral patterns in the weeks prior, which always felt like a huge risk.

I am cautiously optimistic that a safe vaccine will be developed by early next year, so we can resume visitation, we can give them huge hugs, and everyone will feel safer. Although my mind does wander in unhelpful directions to the point of spiraling out, I have become better at interrupting that destructive pattern. Instead of fretting about what the kids are doing, when I have absolutely no control over any of it, I pause to take a moment to send positive vibes, well wishes, and feelings of protection around all of them- the kids, their mother, and her new boyfriend who used to be our neighbor.

While my initial reactions to thinking about the two latter humans usually invokes rage and nausea, I am trying to develop the best version of myself by sending love and protection to them, despite my fervent disagreement with their decisions as a whole. I do it because I want the kids to know that everyone has their best interests at heart. I may not believe they do, but I have to let myself believe it because there is no alternative except to drive myself further into despair.

The Kids Are Alright

Part of the reason I feel so deeply for these children is that my sister and I were also the products of a divorced family. It is easy to get swept up in ideas that these young children's minds are being pumped full of disinformation or malice against us. In reality, we have no idea what they are being told. We know that they seem excited to video chat with us on Sundays. As I was navigating my childhood through two households, I was told a lot about "the other parent" from both sides. It was very rarely good.

I have become increasingly aware in the last few years that I have assumed that these two wonderful children that I now officially get to call my step kids are experiencing the same trauma that my sister and I had to spend years in therapy to undo. I most probably have projected some of my fears and past experiences onto their experience, but I do not know the entirety of their lives. I have only been privileged to be a part of their lives for the past 4 years.

While they may be experiencing trauma, I have noticed how resilient and adaptive children are. I was a very angry child, and it has taken most of my life for that anger to dissipate. I have tried to pivot my thinking to a few years down the road, when they have more freedom and autonomy. I can't focus on this point in time, firstly because this year is a straight up dumpster fire, but secondly because I remember how I felt when I was their age. I was old enough to realize when I was being manipulated, and I was smart enough to realize that adults have no freaking idea what they are doing, and pretty much everyone is damaged in some way.

I think about their adulthood, because I think about my relationship with my stepmom, Kathleen.

Family Isn't Always Kin

My dad started dating Kathleen when I was in middle school. He eventually moved in to her home, and she kindly set up beds in her office so we would be able to spend every other weekend in her two bedroom condo.

Kathleen was always kind, and always tried to get to know us and be interested in our lives, even though we only saw them a limited amount of time. Kathleen never pushed. Kathleen never judged. Kathleen only offered solicited advice (something I am still working on). Kathleen was a female figure I felt comfortable opening up to in a time when my relationship with my mother was stressed.

After high school, dad and Kathleen would bribe me with dinner and a free washer and dryer (I lived on campus at college, where the laundry was coin operated, and I was very broke). I say bribe, but I know it was just loving invites. I introduced friend and boyfriends to them, and they were happy to extend invitations to parties and celebrations.

My dad left Kathleen when I was about 24. I dutifully came to help my dad load up boxes and move up north. I believe Kathleen thought that would be the last time we would speak. Not long after dad had settled, I called to check in on her to make sure she was ok. She seemed shocked, but elated that I would want to maintain a relationship with her. "Well DUH," I said to her. "At this point, I have known you longer than I have not known you!" When I got married the next year, she was invited along with both my parents. Was it stressful? Undeniably. Was it worth it? Absolutely. My mom and Kathleen get along just fine, but my dad can (understandably) get a little awkward around them.

Any friction that may happen between them is always overridden by the fact that all of them want what is best for me and my sister. When I finally earned my bachelors degree last year, my mom, my dad, and Kathleen were all there to celebrate with me. I know it can get uncomfortable, but everyone knows that this is the only way to be if they want to be included in my life.

My dad and Kathleen never actually got married, but I will always call her my stepmom.

Pick Someone You Respect to Emulate

When I first started dating my now-husband-as-of-last-week, I had no idea that I would become a stepmom. I had always assumed I would have biokids. Step-parenting is so difficult because it is a tightrope walk of authority and deference to the parents wishes.

When I would get stuck on how to act as a step-parent figure to a 7 and a 10 year old, I started running calculations that my brain had filed under "What Would Kathleen Do?" Due to the fact that I have enjoyed and still enjoy the relationship I have with my stepmom, I wanted to do my best by these little ones. I hoped that perhaps eventually, if I were to be so lucky, I would be able to have a relationship with them in the future, as adults. When I think about the aspects of Kathleen's personality that drew me to her, it is her honesty, kindness, and reliability that top the list. That was the kind of step parent I wanted to be.

So for the past 4 years, I have done what I could. I cooked healthy dinners when they were here, I took them to school, I volunteered in their classrooms and on field trips. I told them I would always be honest with them, and that I wanted what was best for them. I told them I loved them, but tried to give them space and not be suffocating. I read with them, played board games with them, checked their homework, and watched baking shows. I feel like I was allowed the privilege to be a positive influence in their lives in a time of rapid growth and development.

Now they are 11 and 14, and we have tried to encourage self-advocacy, since they have gone through a lot in their short lives with little autonomy. If they have self-advocated to participate in activities that we deem too risky during a time of a global pandemic, so be it. I hate hypocrisy, and it would be foolish of me to advocate for them to speak up for themselves, but only if it benefited me and my husband.

Life Sampling Family?

I took a leap of faith when my husband gave me an "out", as it were, before his kids moved back to CA from the East Coast four years ago. They would be living with him the whole summer, and he said he understood if that wasn't something I had expected or signed up for. I knew he was special, and I always loved children, so I sampled parenthood.

At the time I was still considering having children of my own. Being 10 years my senior, my husband gave me a second "out" when he firmly told me he was done having children. We discussed separating if that was a deal breaker for me. Once more, I took a leap of faith that this man and his children were worth what many women would consider a huge sacrifice: my relationship with them would cost the opportunity of having biological children. I initially grieved the loss of a lifetime expectation, but I channeled my desire to love and raise a tiny creature into adopting a wonderful puppy we named Atlas. The kids came with us to pick him out, and they love him too.

It has been surprisingly awkward for me to explain my decision to other women. Although I know it is meant kindly, I get increasingly frustrated with comments like, "But you are YOUNG, you still have time!" and "Maybe he will change his mind!" and to my shock, "Well...I mean...you could just get pregnant, and he will come around." FFS. So many people are so invested in other people's bodies and life choices. The amount of friends and strangers that suggested in one way or another that I "trap" him frankly made me disgusted.

Dear reader, whatever you decide to do with your body, however you decide your version of family will look, however you decide to live your life, as long as it does no harm to others, is the right decision. This is your life, and although we are often influenced heavily by those around us, ultimately nearly everything is your choice.

I choose to live in a way that I find to be honest, ethical, moral, and fulfilling. It can be all of those without having biological children.

I hope in the future that I get to sample being a grandparent, but nothing in life is certain. All we can do is extract the good.

I am 34, and I just got off the phone after an hour long conversation with my stepmom. I will always be grateful for the role she played in my life, even though our phone conversations sometimes reveal our divisions in politics or open-mindedness.

We are not bound by law or blood, but Kathleen is my family, although I have been having some misgivings about how to stay connected to her when I am troubled by her outlook on life. I hope I can create and maintain a loving relationship with my two growing, wonderful stepkids, and I hope that we stay aligned as they become adults.

Life Sampler in Action!

An Impatiently Unenthused Youth

Being Open to Possibilities

What Makes Life Worth Living?

Humility and Fallibility

Transformation and Self Improvement

Motivating Others

Putting it Out There:

A Lesson in Bravery

When Life Hands You Lemons...

Oh. My. Goodness

I never imagined when I wrote my last blog entry that it would take nearly a year to write the next one.

2019, How I Miss Thee...